Release emotion

These days I am basically locked up by my broken door, and for the safety, I had no choice but satying in my house all day long.

It's impossible basically to go on a exhibition or go somewhere more than 2 hours.

And some emotion was like me being locked in my mind and started to affect me, I can feel it.

At first, I blamed on myself , that how come after so many practices I will still feel the negative emotion around.

I felt really frustrated and once again almost give in to these emotions.

One of my mentors reminds me that I should continue to create, especially, I was studying design for a long time.

So, I took two hours to go finding the material, which will allow me to draw wildly, and thank god that I found it when everyone in italy is on vacation.

I spent quite amount of money but I felt really excited like kids receiving their Xmas gifts.

Once I got home, I didn't wait for a second but start to draw.

I don't care what people might judge, but just draw.

Guess what, after 3 hours of drawing, for the first time in these days, I am hungry like hell.

I sent the pictures to her and thank her for the remediation, and I will never forget her reply:

She said: look, your negtive emotion today ends up creation, they transformed into beautiful ideas.

I realized one thing, that no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to avoid having negative emotions. That is a toxic way to temporary solve the problems but it will come along after with more terrible reaction.

The point is how to release your anger, sadness and worries, instead of throwing to other people and expect someone can remove or make you forget the emotions.

My happy project isn't about to be always happy, instead, is to be able to release myself from all the things which cause my pain and anger.

What I have learned today is whenever I feel to be surrounded by emotions, I will release them by sports and creation.

I want to love myself better and more, and the evidence to be loved by myself is to release myself from emotions caused by anything, anyone, anywhere.

I must also be thankful to those whoever hurtled me, because you make me learn this lesson.

Cheers for today.

Example-The power of now

This blog is an example which reveals the practice of the book The Power Of Now(please see my previous article)

Have you ever had a feeling that your brain is full of thoughts,and you want to yell "hey Stop",but you couldn't make your brain stop thinking.

This reaction usually comes along with anxious, sadness and anger ...which I always called negative emotion.

These days actually I was getting through this.

Tonight when these thoughts came again,I was anxious and desired to find a friend to express all.

Then I realized that I was repeating my old path which tried to through my emotions to others in order to feel better.

However, I knew if I would do it,the peace will be just temporary.

I knew those thoughts are not for real,instead they were spoken by my eagles(which I built out for solving practical problems in life, or which I built from some old sad experiences happened in my life).

It feels like that I am in a room where is full of people who is talking, and getting louder and louder.

I clearly know that there is only one person who doesn't speak, but totally calm.

And I need to find that person, because it presents my true self, who wasn't labeled by the world and who's mind and soul  won't be affected by what ever happened or what will happen,because that person is truly living in the present.

The more I wanted to find that person, the more I heard other voice saying"no, you have to trust us, because we are doing everything to protect you from hurt", well, normally I stopped right there and started to have another break down.

However,this time I wanted to try to fight on my own to find the peace.

I stopped looking for and started to ask myself:

Right now at this moment what is bothering you, what is your truly problems?

Well, there is no such a problem now is so fatal to me.

Then I asked again, then you are worried about something might happen in the future or it happened from the past.

I answered :both.

Then at that moment, I realized that I am not living in the present.

And I felt like I just found the person who presents my inner peace.

It was so warm to come closer and reconnected with it, and all the sounds which spoken by my eagles were gone.

I was on my bed and started to review what just happened, and there is a strong strength which comes inside my body, like the blood, starts from my heart and to every each part of my body.

It's been wonderful and amazing that I had experienced the real power of living in the present.

And let go all the possibilities regarding what will or will not happen.

Life after all, can't be predicted.

Something bad or something good might happen the next minute or next hour, but it can't be controlled at all.

I just care one thing, that to be more alert to eagle sounds and light them up by self's light.

I determined to search for peace which not teaches me to run away but to face the real problems in life.

Eagle sounds which comes along with negative emotions will never be true problems in life.

Cheers for the book and cheers for living in each moment of now.

Childlike = maybe childish

These days being alone and planning my life from friends,family and work (which at first wanted to force myself to get used to the life alone-which might happens once a while or more often that people  who are so familiar to me are away,then what should I do) , I have to say that I had thought a lot.

Which is a good process to me that I started to open the gift "break up" which once broke my heart and my "so called wonderful life".

I started to realize that my childlike maybe equels childish.
I used to spend days waiting and counting when I am able to spend time with lover, and spent most of the time doing nothing home with him.

I onced call it "simple happiness", however, now since I started to plan my days alone, I found out that my "simple happiness" was a time-wasted.
And it lead us to an empty life.

It's such a shame to admit that I once thought and acted this.

I forgot that under my watch and "love", slowly tracked us in this little circle that we became unable to do anything.

I should assist whoever I love to reach more his dreams, to focus more on his dreams by taking care of my life.
Because at this age, only working hard and speeding up for what we dreamed of will gain us opportunity to win our dream life in the future.
However, I was like a child to ask for more time with me staying home or watching movies, or even spending hours in fancy restaurant.

Like a child, indeed, really childlike thinking at the end things will come in a very smooth way.

However, at the end I found myself there and feel more empty, since like I forgot how fun it is when two people got together waved by dreams and connected by the desire to challenge.

I remember when I entered the senior high, my father once told me, be thankful to those who are friends and also sometimes are strict to you.
He said,only the true friend will suprivise you to get better.
Those who will only hang out with you for fun, and be super easy to you, you can't mix them with your truly friends.


I guess in the past, I was one of "fun friends", I should have tried harder to support and to notice what my other half needs at each moment.
Instead of thinking what a relax day and let it happen as usual.

A woman who will be able to handle her life and also to make sure that both parts are moving forward instead of stopping at some certain level.

I don't know about men's angle so I guess I will leave there just speak for my part.

I will warn myself and to be more alert when I will have the chance to fall in love again.
Love is not everything, because we use it as excuses.
The true one should be able to move forward.

Cheers for thoughts, they always come across when you will be calm and peaceful.

My City

After a fantastic week in Tuscany,I was back to Milan two days ago.
I have to say, that I am getting back my energy to Milan.

It's more than difficult to describe my thoughts; well, let's started my routine these days.

Basically there is no routine, except sleeping,eating and showing which I will have to do everyday.
There is no certain time of waking up, however I still woke up around 9.30, then made myself a great caffe (which thanks to the Nesoresso machine).

Started to read the book (which since my vacation started, I've had this eager to read every book which Lea left to me for summer)

The book list please see as following:

The book Thief - Markus Zusak
The Five people you meet in heaven-Mitch Albom
La Soltitudine Dei Numeri Primi -Paolo Giordano

And the desire for "La Soltitudine Dei Numeri Primi "drove me to the bookstore in downtown to buy the Italian version (which I did this all the time,and never had the patience to finish it)
This time, one chapter a day, I determined to finish it as the only task that I set for myself in summer.

I recommend a lot for these books, each one had speed my heart beat in their ways.
I am a terrible recommender regarding books or movies, so if you're interested on these books, better you google them and find out yourself.

It's selfish to say, but I'd like to keep my feedback to those who ever entered my life and realized what I'm going through, or I find it's time wasting to start with these discussion.(my favorite reading group member is now in my country with other freaks like us. Miss u btw :) )

Anyway, then maybe seeking some food in downtown or "wasted" my whole afternoon in museum.
The other day, I spent quite hours in "Museo900" which is just located in the alley by Duomo church.

I am not a good student in art history in my fashion design corses either back home or in school in Italy.
Which I found some fantastic inspiration, however , from those artists who I can't barley record who are they.

Some particular art works you may take a look on google(once again I prefer to keep my thoughts in mind, one because that I am not professional, second, there is a huge step for me to write an article for art in English...)

Umber to Boccini
-Elastica
-Studio di Testa
-Dinamismo di una testa d'uomo
-Dinamismo di una testa di Donna (my favorite)

Giacomo Bella
-coste Ilazioni del Genio

Mario Sironi
-Ballerina (my favorite)

Giorgio de Chirico
-Les Files d'ebdomeros

And suprisedly there are also exhibition for young modern "crazy" artists which I fall in love enterly:

Giuseppe Penone

-Rovesciare I proprio Cochin 

Cristiana Palandri

-ho perso la testa 2007/2010

Gabriele De Vecchi

-Ambiente -Strutturazione a parametric virtualli

So far that is it !!

Take a look on my Instagram ,except some daily pics, there are also the photo of the exhibition..well some.

And pretty much my days end like this.

I felt really relax, no one can tell me to turn on my computer, to reply email, to answer the phone, to text back, to reply on what's app, to eat, and start to account how much I ate ...

Which is fantastic, just me, the city, and my little flat.

In the serenity which I found myself really happy.

Sometimes I climb on the windowsill and after my cig, I just lay on there which I just have to be apcareful that I will not fall down.(from where I sit, the length is only about 100cm, and the width is about 30 cm.)

I love so much to climb there, feels like no one can enter my own space.

Sometimes look up the sky and enjoy the sunlight which slowly slowly burned my skin.

I realized that I do belong here, not because what I do for living, what I love to eat and to see.

It's because I built a life here, a life which Kept me staying here.

No one can realize that but myself, I built out everything by my own hand and also by some extra help.

More importantly, after my life experiences which bumped into me in Milan, I melt into this city.

I found myself here.

One day I might take off but I will never forget that cross a half world, I once found my life here, and more importantly is that I got to know who I am.

It's not easy to focus on yourself transforming each day while the world seems so foreign to you, and especially every elements changes everyday in this world.

It's not important anymore what I had found and what I had lose here, it's important that I had found my way back.

Right now, right here, I am happy for what I have just now.

P.S a guy told me that I need some help for my mental problems, because "according" to him, that I had been through something terrible and for this reason, I closed my heart and wouldn't let anyone come inside.

Well,dear, you don't know that for the first time I accept myself being someone who everyone might calls freak.

But I am not afraid anymore, to be a freak who has the inner calm.

Cheers guys for where we belong and for who we truly are instead of being someone for the expectation by others.

Thanks ,I am fine.

Since google deleted my previous booze, I will write in short here.

Friends back home and friends got back home asked:how are you (with worried voice)
And I said, I am fine!thanx.

This decision actually is the best which I had ever made in my life.
Which I tried to spend all summer by my own, and refuse the opportunity to hang out with romance.
Some of you might think that I am still waiting for opportunity to meet some one ore have someone back.

Well, That is not the reason I decided not to go home.
Some of you thought that I am hurt so that I wanted to lock myself up....
Not true.

Truth is the I realized in the past, I wanted to always find someone to be with.
A close friend, a close coworker, a close lover to stay together in case that I will be poor lonely.
Because I didn't know being alone, what else I could do.

There was a period filled by parties, by dating list, by friends , by love, by work...
Never had been filled by staying alone and enjoying alone.

I realized this is not. Life by Doris, it's a life by Doris and someone else.
I wanted to create my own story and without anyone's accompany for a while.
Only to have fun by my own and learn to discover what will make me happy instead of who.

Life is so long, maybe I will have another 50 years to go, if I only build my happiness and passion on someone, at the end I will find my life as empty as the past few years.

You guys are wonderful, each of you, but understand me in this way.
I am able to create lots of first time in my life, and after these shitty months, this is the most important thing That I learned.

I am able to make my life remarked even np by my own.

Because a happy person is capable to build things will make her happy instead of on who will offer the opportunity to be happy.

I am happy that I took this trip to Viareggio, because it gave me the courage to take another trip my own later.

I am happy to resign and join noba, because I did it for myself , not consider others.
I am happy to bump into challenge because I know I will at the end solve it.

I am happy to pass these months like a crazy bitch, because I learned something from it and the past.

Be happy for me even you said you don't know how to communicate with me.

I helped myself already , long way to go but I stood up by my own strength,didn't I?


Miss you all, and love you all forever.

Cheers for these incredible persons in my life ;)

Patience

I went to the new company which I'll sign my contract soon which based in Tuscany,Italy.

It's an amazing experience for me, because I finally got the chance to enter "ufficio stile" (which in Italian means style office-where all the designers work and be inspired)

 

I was really excited because one day I am going to have my own style office and create my own collection inside.

However,after 1.8 years working in Showroom, finally my opportunity comes which my request got replied by one of our brand-and my request was:I'll keep working in their own showroom,however, when there is no sales campaign, they will have to have me working as internship girl in their design office.

As soon as I saw all the material on the table and mood boards all around the wall, my heart bumped so fast as if I knew that this will be the life that I desired for so long.

I knew that this is just a small start, but slowly and slowly, I am getting closer to my dream.

I remembered one of my practices which no matter how unconfident I am,once a while stop and be proud of myself.

It needs patience and passion to archived what I am chasing for my future, and each step will just be harder and harder, and maybe for this reason I will have to sacrificed lots of things, however I take it.

It took me a while to realize that my dream was abandoned by so many reasons, now since it has be found again, I will never easily let it hide again,

And my biggest problem is that I a lack of patience, even though I might have more passion than others.

However, timing is the most important thing regarding to be the rule that I desire,

Love, life, work, family, friendship......each one needs patience and passion and build up.

I must be too rush to desire to have them all once in my hand, and just life the old saying in Taiwanese, eat this fast, be careful that you will break your bowl.

I am going to learn how to adjust myself and prepare for every arrival of opportunities.

When the opportunity is in late, well,be patient and keep moving on, one day what will belong to me will come to find me without any notices.

Today I walked in and shakes my hands, kisses to everyone in the company and they welcomed me as a new member of family.

Means that in the following future, that I have to work ten times harder to embrace my next opportunity.

Cheers for the new beginning which I had prepared for a period,

 

Sport day

It's been a long time that I didn't swim.
I remembered When I was little how much I was in love to go to the river near by my house in mountain.

Today I went to the beach in Viareggio and dive into the water,feels like all the worries and sadness were flashed away by the wave.

It feels all the harsh time and troubles that I had in Milan released in the water.
Amazing isnt it,out body?

In the Book of Oslo mentioned to release the emotion, is to go jogging or other sports which can Put you into the continuing movement.
I guess that swimming is the one of the sports which can release emotions.

Then seeing the ocean and the sky,the re is a moment which I forgot how to be' angry to something ever happened in the past.

Even after When I recalled these stories,inside of me said, laugh it and let it go.
I want to keep observing myself days after, because problems of emotion could disapear in short time,and return with the  worse recation after.

At least today I experienced another way to release my pressare and these non stop thoughts in my inner.

Empty,not only my mind but also my body.
Cheers for relaxing where people always smile to strangers.