French Women

I want to be a French woman.

Ha.. I reviewed  lots of  articles today, and I found the only common on the bloggers and fashion web is this popular

substantive>french woman

Clearly 80% of the women in the world wants to be a French woman.
But what is exactly french woman means?

After my research, I found out French Woman is not refering woman from France, who eats exclusive france cusine, who smokes, who looks elegant, who has open relationship..ect ,those  are just  too superficial.

The defination of French Women refers to a spirit >  independent, love her own, brave enough to search what she wants, and live in the way she desires.
French is just a adjective which can decorate this type of woman more colorful and fashionable.

However, in Franch, there were also lots of remarkble women which influenced us to carry the idea of French women> Coco Chanel, Marie-Louise-Elisabeth Vigee-Lebrun, Marie-Rosalie (Rosa) Bonheur..ect.

I define French women as a new goal for me to archive > confident, build a life, and be me.

What do I mean to be me?
well, for example, I always want to have short haircut, but unfortunatley I always think if I really cut it, I might lose my charm.

Today on the subway home, I finally make my mind to have a short haircut with bangs.

Charm needs to come from heart, not by following some certain trend/look to remain.
Everybody knows, but hardly not to follow this idea to change ,which is the way really make ourselves comfortable.

Build a life seems too heavy, but I cant find others words to describe.
well, I have to admit, I dont have so many italian friends, maybe cause I am afraid or I thought no one wants to friend me . so in some certain moment, I built a wall to stop everyone who is not asian to come in.

Which is not correct, because I am living here...after all.
Like my boss said, something has changed inside of me , just I am afriad to take down the catch which my world needs to be adjusted a little bit.

If I kept thinking people who doesnt want to be friend with me....then the universe will not help me. all the people comes around will be exactly I project.

I dont have to care so much, what if ... I really hang out with guys..maybe everyone might think it will be too fast for me to date.
Then I found something, wait!! do I really want to date someone or actually friend with someone.
For now, I just want to be friend with someone. Because without a life built by me, another relationship will be just another escape.

The truth is I decided to have a small asian social circle because I felt more comfortable, but I have to also admit that this is not the reason I came here.

I came to Milan for experiencing life, people, and culture.
And by knowing Italian cultrue, I cant only use the help by books or from work.

My goal was to prove that I can survive no matter where I am in this world, because I have a feeling that Milan will not be my last stop in my journey.

So, I want to get rid of all my thoughts for the moment.
Then just to enjoy.

start over

its been 3 weeks thatMy happibess project have been started until today.

I have to admit,project has gone in a way that confuses me a lot.

I realized yesterday that there is nothing I can prevent or perdict from the arrives of unfortune.

unfortune happens everyday,every single minute in this world because world is built by million of people and things.

No matter how hard I try to avoid unfortune , it comes anyway.
Because its life which I am facing.
The more I tried reveals my unperfection.

I will be living in the dark hole cause unperfection is exactly a biggest weakness I want to hide from everyone.

I just have to practice everytime when unfortune  comes, for sure I will be pissed,sad and unhappy at the moment.
might as well take a deep breathe and calm myself down to prepare to start over again.

By getting stronger everyday,soon or later I will pass through.

And soon or later,I wont be so afraid or worried for something might or might not happen.

The stregth which I  experienced will help me to be able to front my life.
It needs time and calm mind to absorb.

this is my conclusion for the third week.

My new task is to believe in things I am sure no matter how absurb sounds to others.
And shall never worry about for something isnt  happening yet.

when things which I cant figure out, I will tell myself-start all over again.

Passion

This blog is dedicated to all my friends who now still fight for design.

I wish we never forget the original passion for what we love to do, and carry it to continue our adventure, no matter where you are.

Without the passion, we are just O.P.

Last night in the club with some friends to relax, came to me this gentleman and started to ask me:

Hey where you from?

You work or study in Milan?

Studied in Marangoni and then work?

Work in showroom, which one?( this is the question I hate the most)

So you work in a showroom for fashion?

What is your master for studies?

About your job, how you find it in Italy> well, comfortable came out from my mouth.... and then I started to think today about all these questions.

I remembered once I mentioned that the four years I spent in Milan are not easy and comfortable.

Since now the first word came out my mouth was comfortable made me confused a lot.

I don’t have so many projects at the same time to work on and there is no deadline, I just have to be in the office on time and finish my work , then go home.

I don’t have to stay up late for figuring out an inspiration and basically I don’t need to be inspired as before anymore.

I don’t have to be so nervous to find the next pay check in order to survive indecently and I know I will just make more money than now in the near future.

The working Visa offers me more than 2 years to keep my life in Milan so I don’t have to work so hard to prove myself because I have time now.

But why I felt so lost when I thought out these questions and cooperation from past and now?

There seems are not zones I should worry about……

Then came to this point: I missed my old life while I was a student or a stage girl even back then I had so many things to worry about.

Because since I got in the position I have now, I started to feel relax and feel maybe this is what I always want if I can live forever like this.

Everything seems going very well, such as payment, promotion, and feels like success is coming soon.

I lost the spirit to fight, to fight myself .

When everything becomes easier than before, I slowly and slowly lose my energy and passion.

I miss the time which every time when I have a new project on my hand, after that moment, the only thing in my mind is how to present a best result.

I miss to review in style.com to collect every runway show to find out something I need.

I miss that the only reason can get me out of my house is to shop cigarettes and came back to my computer, listening the music which already repeated for thousand times to finish my project.

I miss the passion I had for fashion, and always believe in myself that one day I will become someone to rock this place.

The stress made us grow and stronger, but look back these years, I didn’t buy any magazines, I didn’t draw at least one collection, I didn’t review on style.com, I didn’t spend more time on fashion after work.

I even missed the exhibition of little black dress by Karl…

Just because I am too afraid to fight, to feel stress anymore.

Because I thought I was ready to be someone’s wife or start to have babies?

Oh then how come I am so unhappy.

I gave up fighting for this time.

Because I didn’t want to taste any stress from work, from fighting for a better position because I brain washed me which I am not enough.

My father always said, never get to comfortable to your life, because once you experienced this comfort, you will forget how sweet to fight.

Unfortunately I did feel comfortable and I lost myself in it.

Even I kept saying which I want to be at a better position and make my ideas to come true.

However, at the end it was just saying.

I thought now staying in Italy is because I have to have experiences and money in order to go somewhere without seeing that my chance has arrived.

After the experiences I had worked for, now finally came to the time to rock it!

If the life I want just to be married by someone, why should I ever come here?

If the life I want just to be easy (earn money and spend on the things I love) , why should I ever come here?

I might earn less in Taiwan but I don’t have to spend so much on living.

I became a O.P from a tough bitch who always fights for what she wants without caring what people might say and think.

Remember we never questioned ourselves and convince a investor to offer us enough money to have our first fashion show when we were 20?

How we yelled to each other just because we had our brand ?

Remember we never stop talking about design just because we loved it so much, and that get us together.

How we took a plenty bottles of beer, tried to finished them while the time we spoke?

Remember how we talked about to be our own bosses one day because it will be our time to lead?

I forgot all of these.

I mislead myself and those desires in my mind which I tried to hide kept reminding by emotions.

New Task from tonight:

I will have lots of must do every day in order to become a manager in the future.

No matter how people will see me, too young, lack of experience, social freak, cold blood, Asian who is trying to running an Italian showroom.

I don’t care because my time will only be used on those things I used to love to do for my future.

I am happy and grateful now that I have only me to worry about.

Will practice and always remember my passion for fashion even in the future I will have other things to worry about.

Cheers my friends, we are all fighters. Never ever forget that after one task, always arrive another.

And thank you for breaking up with me, that I realize for something I love and always wish to achieve, never enough to fight for.

27 rocks, because I still have so much time to fulfill my dreams.

without label & infinity possibility

I am about to make a point and I wish that no one is going to take personal.

I have been observed this point of view since my little trip back my home country, and have continued this idea when I came back to Milan.

As I told, in these months I realized some personal valuation and I decided to get closer to myself in order to find out the causes why I became unhappy.

And in this period (till now) , more than one person who is around me reminded me that I wasn’t acting as a normal person.

At first, I though, it might be true because after all, those people are my families, close friends, and coworkers who I spent more time with than myself.

Normally I chose to listen to them, however, this time don’t know why I decided to find my own answer to everything.

Love, job , future, and who am I…subjects which I never spent this much time to figure out.

Did I figure out all?

No, for all will be an inspired and fairy tell like answer.

However, being alone like this helps me to listen to my voice which I kept it away for this long.

I know exactly for each day what I want to accomplish and even in the most boring moment, I can try to take it easy instead of let my anger leads me to my burning point.

And sit there and sigh.

People who is close to me doesn’t get the point, they think I am trying to push them away, because I am so damn hurt.

It made me wonder, is there a possibility that everything I did just because I wanted to pretend I am ok.

Maybe one day I am going to break down again and depress myself more than before?

They told me, you are not the way you supposed to be, the way everyone knows you , you should act like……..ect

Which I really want to explain, but I find it really useless.

Which I tried, but doesn’t convince everyone of course.

When I speak…people directly defend their idea instead convincing themselves to believe that I don’t want to announce that I am changed.

I don’t know I am changed or not because I can feel myself but I can’t feel how I as a lover, friend, family to others.

But something crosses my mind more than often, which it’s a power and faith to me.

In some points, I rather believe myself instead of trying to listen to others, seeking for clues.

Yes, people might finds me being selfish which I spent less time caring other people instead of caring what should I do to get more time with myself.

But guys, I started to believe myself and I know whoever can think better solution than me to my life.

Which its incredible because I normally ask for opinion on everything and my decision changed every single two minutes.

It’s beautiful that I can feel I am back to my life game again.

Remember I had mentioned once in one of my article that if you keep being positive and knowing what you want for life, the whole universe will help you?

Well, this is what happened to me recently.

Notice well, I found so many people who suddenly showed up to offer me a help.

More interestedly , I didn’t ask for this help, however, they just showed up in occasion and they just offered.

I believe this is the positive energy which is starting to work out.

And that is why I want to continue to do the things it might looks odd, to believe things which people might shake their heads.

I am not encouraging to live in a fantasy world which you believe the world only exists only beautiful things.

No! I said, listen to your heart (if there are too many voices, ideas, then think everyone without judgments first, because your head likes to judge and makes you feel that you will never make it)

Then be brave to take a try.

Don’t listen to your parents, friends l…ect because when they give you advices, sometimes which are not 100% pure.

They are afraid to see you change into another way to hang out.

You are labeled already by their experiences with you and subconscious from their needs, expectation, and their fear.

This is a weakness which everyone carries in order to survive.

We are all afraid of changes, because we thought that we are born to complete ourselves by the world, love, and social world.

If you are always so busy to reach those, when are you going to complete yourself by searching for who you are?

If you kept feeling it’s so important what people will say, when are you going to be ready to start to do something.

Be brave and stay alone to find who am I is the task I am doing now.

By ignoring voices from others and make decision by myself made me lose some friends, even fight with family.

I don’t want to label myself to be someone to others.

Without label means infinity possibility.

Challenge/a way to create confidence

For the most of the time, we felt threatened by other people.

A beautiful woman, a better position in work, a hot man, a bigger house, a rich life, a beautiful & smart child….ect.

And what happened afterwards, we started to look down to ourselves and convince we are about to lose our happiness, just the time matter.

There is a way to redefine your confidence status which is simple but we always turn that down cause of the fear for failure.

Try to ask yourself for a question:

You always want a better position because you believe it’s a method to somehow make your life better. (of course when your pay is better and everyone starts to look up to you..)

Honestly how many times you turned it down with the thought that I might fail so….nope sorry…I prefer to stay In this comfort environment which keeps me away from the risk of being a loser.

I felt this when I got promotion (which the pay is not more…in fact I have a plenty stuff to do and responsibility to carry on…)

Surely that I know it’s such a great opportunity because it’s something I finally can let my wigs fly out without limitation.

Most importantly, it’s an opportunity which I can concentrate which I had studied for.

I am allowed to make my idea vivid in reality.

I almost gave up, and think to do as fly attendant such job to get away my dream come true moment.

At the end, I took this chance.

And today is my very first day to consult designers.

To focus on my future, and also to continue my project which always points out a special point: to try something new in your life.

and I must confess that I read a book called The Tools which I mentioned on my article motivation/

It says we normally created a comfort zone which it’s a situation we created by our weak mind to escape from all the risks which make us like fool or loser.

A lover, an addicted behavior, a stable life, being lost…ect.

I reviewed my 27 years life, and our of surprise, I found which I am a quitter.

I quite all the time even for what I had desired for so much in the past, but when it came to the point to prove myself…I gave up because I was so afraid that I might fail..and all my efforts which I put out through would be a waste.

That is the main reason which I took my job, although I have to say Fuck its super hard to challenge myself with the third language and I know deeply that I am still lack of experience.

Well, today I had a meeting with one of our fashion designer who had worked for a big brand for so many years.

I am forced to discuss the designs she made, and also to talk to her husband & partner regarding the marketing strategy.

Privacy

nowadays we're living this world which connected by cellphone and computer.
I won't define it's correct or not,  that basically our life depends on, internet. However, I just want to ask myself "are you ready for this kind of things?"

I don't think so.

For example, there is a period(maybe until now) I was addicted to application which I download on my smartphone.

I enjoyed the attention by people who seeked me, who texted me  by application , and  meanwhile I was suffering if I couldn't get what I want right away.

It's hard not to give away this addictions which usaully comes with bad emotions.(you can ask yourself, what is the reaction if someone won't reply you right away,....or you found out that there are less people who pay attention on your world in it)

My new task will be to reduce the dependency of every kind of application on my smartphone and try to focus on believing what I felt. To practice to live without it for a while.

Is that true if someone writes you often, you feel more happy and confident?
well, I did feel this way.

But what if no one writes you, how does that make you feel?

I just want to laugh about it, which I actually build my standard on it.

Feelings can not be evaluated by the quantity of message, email, and connection.

If you feel something, then the worse thing is to seek the clues on technologies by proving it.

I chated with one of my best friend yesterday, and I never understood one thing is how come we dont chat each day but we can still feel so connected when we chat.

He told me: because we're sharing our mind, not by how many times we text, or how long we stay on phone.

Right there, it crossed my mind.
I never doubt about this friendship because I share my mind with him, and of course by the time he shares something back, he shares his mind also to me.

Don't even speak too much or too often to prove that we are really closed,just like family.

It's an issue relates to privacy.
Privacy = Respect
A person who know the importance of privacy definately has the awareness how to respect people.

I have to admint that due to the fact, I didn't know how to protect my privacy that I don't know how to respect people.
And I will make an excuse such as, well...I dont trust you so I have to get into your privacy zone.
Normally it happened in my relationship with exs.

To learn to trust people, I must give away the fake world which internet created.
Happiness and sadness come from our mind, and I should remember after the books I read.
That the true happiness will be steable and will not be affected by anyone, anything outside of your body and mind.

some people hides himself in this fiction world because in there they can easily escape from the reality and be a little relax.
Thats why everyone kept saying, do not believe what's happeneing on the internet, because it's something created by human beings.
I won't be so edgy to judge to believe it or not.

But if you want to have connection with people who lives around you, you might as well try to feel how they treat you in person instead of evaluating it by how much they contact you by technoligy.


I can't wait to starting this task, because no matter what is coming to my life, it can't chanllenge or to be arranged by these application.
The more I tried to seek for clues, the more I stock in this fake world.

Being/ Myself or Ego?

Ok, I think it’s the right time to speak of the main happiness theme which I tried to avoid last week: being myself

I decided to leave to until I am ready to try because I think it would be too fast to mention it.

The reason was because I thought it would be too fast to add, because last week I had something important subjects to practice.

Such as give someone a break: when someone really pissed me off or upset me, I had to use this thought to forgive, turns out I didn’t get so nervous and anxious all the time. Probably due to the fact I took my steps really slow and since I kind of accepted that the world changed so fast that I should be so grateful for what I had seen and had. And if I tried to focus on the present, I still didn’t feel enough time to see the world and find time for myself, I couldn’t take the risk to waste my time in anger and worry for the stuff caused by other people.

Such as being nice to myself : unfortunately expect this blog, I still have two business plan on the road. And since I am addicted to write by hand (which helps me to think towards to professional strategy , idea and business point of view), it went really slowly (after these years in Italy..this is the habit I learned J ) so I didn’t really sleep enough 8 hours a day. On the opposite I slept less and less. (I believed this will upset my mood soon..so tonight I must quite my daily book reading and try not to spend so much time on blogging). However, I tried to give myself a positive angle to think, to live and to laugh.

Eating in healthy way and still force myself at least take a walk daily helps me to have a little bit confidence to my body (seems like my energy comes back a little and less tiring feelings).

Such as trying something new:  So far this is the main key I felt it helps more. I was too afraid to change, not even a street or a food even I knew it would be nasty.

However, I am more than excited to know what I haven’t tried yet and what I was not able to do because I was too scared, and then make my plans even that cost money.

I sort of rebuilt some kind of my confidence, and yes I still act like child screaming for whatever I put into my mouth and whatever interested my vision.

But I felt living, and I felt step by step is another communication to get closer to me.

Such as stop competition: well, as a girl who has a brain works nonstop  that I have to say, it’s so hard not to pop out a word when some kind of sfigati (Italian/means uncool people who thinks they are cool) walked by.

But by trying to observe myself when this idea crossed my mind, I felt great because maybe for the near future, before this idea will pop out, it will be in advance to reduce it.

These practices I am trying will get me into this point of view: be myself politely

I know myself more by getting closer each day, and I would like to practice to bring my character into this project.

I found that I hate to be taken care, maybe sometimes it’s really sweet, but at the end if will make me feel like I a retard without ability to look after myself.

I desire to be a woman who own a career, a strong personality, a life (which it can’t be only includes work and hang out with friends or stay home watching movies) and the ability to take care of others.

I want to always keep the childlike personality (which makes me scream and yell whenever I felt excited) , not because I wanted to be cute, its cause it always brings me unexpected taste and vision. Or I should say no matter its good or bad, I can’t and I don’t want to change.

Those are the goals for now I want to practice and achieve.

For example, I found to those who are closer to me, it’s so hard to tell them that I really never like negative energy around when  I want to be alone.

It sucks and it will affect me especially when I have to be there for the whole time.

Everything I said might become a weapon to hurt their feelings or everything I might react.

I don’t want to make myself now look like I am showing off, because I knew that before I noticed, I was really good to share my negative energy by trading the positive ones from others.

But I did anyway today, I clearly told my friend: hey it’s not my fault that you decided to give up. If it’s your own decision, feel good about it. Do not try to make me feel awful just because I am able to do things you want to do.

I won’t feel a sense of guilt; instead I just want to run faster and farther.

Familiar to what happened to me few months ago, and I can feel it right on me. That sucks.

I know my reply might do some harm to my friendship with this friend, but I need to be myself in this occasion.

Make myself happy is the original idea of the project, and surly it’s not to make myself to be a saint.

It’s quite difficult to being polite which I tried, but at least for the first time I am not afraid to say what’s in my mind to this shy friend.

Today is a beginning, to be continued by more examples how to make people happy with politeness when being she or he?

Good night everyone whoever reads my blog.

week conclusion to Happy Project

Today is quite calm except I can’t help feeling sorry for this news.

I overheard that one of my friend who came to Italy with me for the first beginning now is suffering from this serious mental problems.

This upset me a lot, because for some reason, we didn’t get along very well at the end.

Then I thought…maybe in some certain point of view, we are all ill in different way.

Is it because we are fighting for our life in a different country?

After a couple of days of reviewing my life, I have a conclusion.

The impact of Italian culture (of should I say western culture) reverse my world and my mind.

I always thought after four years living, studying, working, dating in Milan might as well train me to realize this culture.

I was wrong; no one can see this coming.

When I was little, no one saw that Chinese will be such a great power as now.

In Asia, everything includes a white skin person who seems like better, smarter, and richer.

A movie, a commercial advertisement, a song by western people seems to be better.

After some years of brain wash, we all have the same goal which is no matter what you have to study, if you can study abroad will make you differently.

So, carrying out with dreams, expectation and the idea I will become better, I came to Milan.

I never thought it could change me so much and I never thought I could be as negative as a person who loses the entire confidence.

Whenever who is looking at me on the street, I felt so uncomfortable.

Especially with my ex, I still clearly remembered, how shame I felt because seems like everyone is making fun of me.

I felt so bad that I was seen as a second race here. And no matter how much I improve myself, it will never change the fact that I have an Asian face.

Everything became a motivation which can easily lower my dignity.

It’s so easy for me to get hurt and of course I cry all the time because that is the only way I think I can release myself.

I see everyone as enemy because I know from their eyes, that I am not enough to be respected.

By evaluating feelings from everyone who was around me to define how great I was.

I remembered this really clearly as if it happened yesterday. One day one of my friends came to me and told me she finally broke up with this Italian guy who she had dated for a year.

She said: He told me he couldn’t bear to imagine introducing me to his friends and also linking me into a relationship on facebook just because I am Asian.

It was too sad to say anything in her face but afterwards, I cried for whole night for this story.

Turns out this awful thought followed me everywhere in this country until I came back a week ago.

I wrote on my instagram one day right after I read an article from Osho, he said: you have to love yourself and then you will be able to love others.

What does he mean to love myself?

Yap, I cried out loud in the river next to my hometown. I felt sorry that I couldn’t be able to love myself more.

I kept thinking everything is ok. I had a wonderful bf, I had a job with steady income and I can prove I am someone special to deserve all of this..it will be wonderful.

I took everything for granted and started to act really crazy because I felt everyone intended to make myself feel shame.

Now I realized it’s my own projection from my interior mind to the whole world.

Have you ever heard a theory? That if you kept thinking it, and then it will end like what you think.

The world became so ugly because I keep zooming the bad sides of this country.

Ever since I started with my happiness project, each day I felt that I am actually living.

People from street, on the metro, who looked at me nonstop, my manager, clients, and even people who I normally won’t bother to say hello , they became nicer and polite.

I didn’t try to brain wash myself again by convincing myself that the world is beautiful.

Just follow my own standard and try to cheer myself up by trying something new.

A new street, a new habit, a new food, a new book whatever is new which I was too afraid to try.

I ate alone , I tried to accept that I couldn’t be perfect for anyone, I found my emotion problems without judging it, I tried to get along with myself without thinking I am such lonely person in Milan…ect.

These things are daily but it worked anyway. The last week I slept well and eat well because even I felt I wasn’t able to sleep, I wrote and I read and kept thinking how wonderful I will sleep the next night because my body will be so tired.

Of course sometimes I felt my emotion coming back again. But I learned how to let go.

There are so many things we can’t control in our life, and if I can’t let go ..if feels like a meat getting row in your hand , and you kept holding it without even try to look that there are still fruit in front of you.

A person who has being will never feels that I must have something in his/her life.

Life is a game and if you can’t play well that means you are a loser.

Pay attention, play doesn’t require negative emotions. You play because you want to have fun, not because you want to win or being a loser at the end.

If you are happy during the progress, even at the end you lose or you win is not so important right?

I felt my life in Italy is just a beginning which makes me feel so many opportunities.

Still some O.P called me Chinese on the street, or flirting me by the worse ever sentences.

I don’t care anymore.

Caring this bullshit makes me upset..but honestly who wants to live in bad mood world every day.

Now I understood the sentence from the book The Power of Now……Once you found the power inside, peace, joy and health will come along.

I know exactly life won’t be easy to be played by me; I might never have what I want.

But I know no matter what I have a best partner, best lover and best family ever..That will be I.

Cheers for happiness project brought something different to me the first week in progress.

The experiences I had from last week gave me the courage to tell my manager in person today, I will not go to another company with you because I know the company will be successful even without me.

Staying might be a worse choice because I may not be able to take full responsibility. But when I looked back to my four years stay in Milan, my life was not easy and I always thought that I was forced to suffer and struggle.

However, now I was thankful for whatever happened to me because it made me strong.

So I take my chance to take this struggle

 I took my path even it will be the hardest one to continue my journey in Milan, even I will have to work alone and without personal life, but I am willing to fight at least one time for something might be built by me.

Happy Project in Progress still and I am more than excited to see what will happen to me.

Showing off or Sharing good news

Since the translation tool doesn't work well due to the fact that I'm typing Chinese anyway.
I decided to start to type in English and maybe afterwards add Chinese at the end.

Today in my work, I've been told a good news.
And I'd like to share this news with someone, so I did.
I was thinking, first it's such a good news and I'd like to spray my joy to people I care.
Second, I thought it might encouraging people by my story(you can't deny that the encouraging books are always the best sells in bookstore).
Third, I think it's nice to prove to people that I'm moving on with happiness since I'm proceeding this project (I believe if you can stay postive, then people around you will become postive..its a theary which mentioned by scientists).

And this people actually replied and rispond me that he is happy for me. (what a nice and postive conversation I thought).

After couple of hours, I needed to call one of my friend to discuss some issues, and he asked about my recently progress. Of course I told him everything (as usual).

He suddently asked me, do you really think it's a good idea to share your happiness based on those three points?

I was shocked and of course felt upset. But I just want to.......
Then I don't even have to finish my explaination because I realized ...things can't be always as "I" want to.

I forgot to think other people's situation, mood and he/her might be stressful. Maybe it's not the right time to share your life especially by text/phone call.

I overtook this "what I think is good/bad for you, what I think is helpful/useless for you, what I think is happy/sad for you"...It can't be always I think, I decide, or I tried to convince people what does better/worse to their life.

I always believe that it's neccessary to find the best answear when a friend, a member from my family or my lover who comes to me for an advice.I never ever felt I'm better than anyone else (in fact, I'm lack of confidence in so many parts).But words will be abored by different people and to be explained into another way. That's why the old saying says: Think before you talk.

Because each human being carried lots of thoughts/emotion/pressure ..ect on their mind/body. They don't need you to be so passionable to find the answears for their life.
They just need someone to talk (because we're taught not to talk to yourself or you'll be considered as a crazy paticent) and just be there.

At the end, they'll find the best solution by their own.
Surely there are some people, they can take whatever comes from your month, they might be your friend, your family or your lover.

But as I said, we all carried some certain stress, and you'll never see how much on one man's shoulder.

For me the new goal to work on since I just realized today  is :
Good things or bad things, share with yourself first (no one can love you more than yourself, you just got to believe.To be able to love yourself then you will be able to love someone else). If I want to share with someone else, always to think then talk.

Be quite when people talks, and be calm to ask : How can I help you ? I can't know what to do, but maybe you can tell me what you'd like to do. Always respect their opinion and be careful not to send your opinion without concious.


Life is fun right?
This point  I never wrote into my list, it just came!!
Opportunity is always prepared for those who are ready.

Cheers.

First Day of the H.P: Take it Easy & Spend more time on myself

First I must remind you if you can not read Chinese, please kindly chose the translator on the top of the article (below the picture) into your language.

今天是第一天開始我的計畫，很不幸的，一早起床便發現計畫的困難度。
從禮拜二開始到昨天早晨，我都是以步行代替電車的方式前往辦公室，也因為時差的關係，我起床比較早(大概都是早上六點至七點就會沒有睡意)，從吃早餐到化妝換衣服，都有很充沛的時間好好裝扮自已(甚至是抽空到商店幫自己買一杯新鮮柳橙汁)。

今天早上起床晚了，以至於我的閒情逸致全部被打亂，但是我還是堅持步行到辦公室，以及沿路買杯柳橙汁。

一路上我非常的緊張，緊張到腦子一直在想，萬一遲到了怎麼辦，長假後好像常常遲到，尤其我又在實行特別計畫.......

幸運的是在步行的時候，我思考著，緊張兮兮讓我又開始接觸負面能量，一早就要接觸到負面能量的自己，不論是在工作上，人際上都會影響別人甚至加倍的吸收各方的不快樂情緒。 念頭一轉，那我如果可以避免會讓我緊張焦慮的這種情況就能夠避免自己在一大清早就陷入憂愁憤怒以及焦慮中。

好像滿有道理的，解決的方法就是，我提早起床不就好了。
提早起床，除了對身體也好，更重要的是我有更多時間能夠好好化妝，好好享用早餐，好好欣賞每天都一樣的天空，如果有盆栽(因為不能養寵物的關係，我只好想辦法養些甚麼)
我也能每天仔細靜心的觀察他的變化。
因為睡眠帶給身體的休息加上精神上的輕鬆自在，我更能面對工作上無法控制的壓力以及人際上的緊張等。


這是我接下來渴望達到的目的，早睡並且提早起床，並且買上一個可以在家榨柳橙汁的機器 (聽說維他命C 在早晨能夠發揮比咖啡更成功的功效，讓你精神抖擻以外美容養顏,27歲好像應該開始注重皮膚的變化以及防範變老 哈)


多花一點時間在自己身上
你聽過一個實驗嗎?
有A.B.C 三個人，分別在每天要出門前對著A.B.C三碗飯各說一些話
A對A碗飯說> 你好香，好可口
B對B碗飯說> 沒甚麼感覺，不是很香也不是很可口
C對C碗飯說> 你好臭好不美味

一個月之後，科學家研究ABC三碗飯，發現

C碗飯發霉且有臭味
B碗飯沒有發霉但有臭味
A碗飯沒有發霉也沒有臭味，反而散發出米本質的香味

這個實驗要告訴我們的是，世界上凡是萬物都會有自己的能量，我們無法去證明萬物皆有意識與否，但是我們卻可以證明萬物(靜物)都具有能量，能感同身受。

身體也是，我主張，身體只是一個工具，陪伴我們一直到死亡到臨前。
你會超級保養你的車子，鞋子，衣服，iphone，電腦等，但是你有好好保養這個要陪你到閉上眼那一刻的工具嗎?

我決定多花點時間觀察自己的身體，我發現我透過外力(例如適當的鍛鍊以及飲食作息等)
對自己好的方式已經慢慢增加，例如拒絕肥胖，拒絕調味太重的食物，均衡飲食等。
但是從內心的多花點時間在自己身上，好像是零。

我一直覺得自己的臉型很醜，為什麼不是鵝蛋臉型呢?
我一直覺得自己身高沒有170，一定要穿高跟鞋比例才好
等等這種批判自己的行為，我每天都在進行....................................這麼多年過去，我想我也重度發黴

於是，我決定每天都要稱讚自己，接納自己的缺點，並把它看成是優點般的讚美，畢竟這個世界上沒有跟我一模一樣的人，只有我，沒有別人。

也呼應到我快樂計畫的第一條，外面沒有別人，只有你自己 (預見未知自己的作者張德芬所提到的 每個人的生活其實不是別人造成的，是自己投射而出的世界)。

我當然不可能因此變成國際名模，但是這是第一步開始愛自己。

奧修說 真愛是不會強迫對方改變的，他也說無法愛自己的人無法愛上任何人。

這麼獨一無二的自己，為什麼不愛呢?卻深信自己可以愛上別人?
強迫自己變成某個人，只因為這個世界對於美的定義和你不同?
改變了，你真的變快樂了嗎?

今天還有兩件令我興奮不已的事情

昨天晚上晚睡因為我在研究如何把Instagram的連結貼在我的部落格裡面，我掙扎了很久，最後宣告失敗才晚睡。
今天早上我的IT朋友們都在忙碌，於是我從頭開始研究，後來發現真的不難也成功了!!
原來嘗試新的事物，就算只是小事，也會帶給我如此的成就感，而這種成就感讓我打從心底的快樂，我決定要一直嘗試下去，而不是繼續恐懼下去不敢前進。


於是 我決定報名瑜珈課程，這個念頭已經持續將近有一年了，因為懶惰而不去做research,,
要做的同時我又發現，到底甚麼是Yoga，我該做甚麼Yoga?在哪裡呢? 要聽義大利文嗎?

同樣的，我簡單的研究了瑜珈課程，發現最適合初學者的是 Hatha Yoga(有興趣的人請看部落格最底部有連接介紹)，放鬆你的肌肉以及相較其他類別，比較適合初學者。

再次說明，當一個人有正面能量時，宇宙都會一起來幫忙，真的被我找到在米蘭說英文的Yoga Studio!!!!
老師是英國人，來米蘭教書很久了，我當下立即預約下禮拜二的免費課程，猜猜我感覺如何，fucking so good!!!!



今天一天，過的不錯。
期待明天的到來，因為明天還有新的挑戰!

My Happiness List

我花了兩天才把會使我開心的計畫表列出來，使我開心的另外一個層面就是奪走我開心的計畫表>

1. 外面沒有別人，只有你自己/ 拒絕投射心態
2. 多花時間在自己身上/吃好，睡好,運動，把自己打理好，愛上自己
3. 放下比較心態/ 比較心態消失後，忌妒，恐懼，自我價值低的負面情緒會消失
4. 感恩/充滿感激之心，對一切事物，不要求回報的過生活
5. 有禮貌的做自己
6. 停止把情緒垃圾倒給其他人/ 抱怨，說閒話，憤怒，憂傷等
7.  享受無聊的當下，接納抗拒的現實
8.  凡事往好處想/ 放了對方一馬吧
9.  嘗試自己有熱情的事務/設計，語言，對工作有幫忙的書籍
10.  擴大自己的生活圈
11.  扮演好自己的每種角色並且控制如何抽哩，當你更換環境時
12.  保持穩定的開心能量，但不要傳教/記住每個發自內心的喜悅並且記住他，試著維持快樂水平，可以向朋友分享，但不用堅持這樣做才是對的
13.  幫助他人/不認識的人

從這邊開始吧!!

motivation

我一直都認為自己是快樂並且樂觀的，直到某天我心愛的人離開後，經過三個月的反省以及低潮，我才發現，其實自己並不快樂，早在我自以為幸福快樂美滿的時候，我已經不快樂了。
回顧過去兩三年，我發現 我 把自己的快樂建築在 外在 的人事物上，也因此我常常緊張兮兮恐懼失去這些 快樂 的人事物。
這樣做那裏不好呢? 我無法與自己相處，孤獨的時候我會變得非常的焦慮 ，然後再把這種焦慮的情緒反應怪罪到我先前提到的人事物身上。
剛開始的時候我只會問，我到底是誰? 我以前快樂的時候到底是怎麼樣的個性，後來我發現這樣去回顧已經得不到我滿意的答案了，因為不知道從哪個時間點開始，我不快樂。
於是，很幸運的我得到了一位朋友的幫助, 開始了我的自我探索之旅，我閱讀的第一本書(非常丟臉的說，因為在米蘭四年我還沒有成功讀完過一本書) ， The Power of Now 當下的力量/ by Eckhart Tolle (內容之後會和我的文章作連結，此處就先不解釋)。
接下來有比較快樂嗎? 當然沒有。
但是我注意到，當我在閱讀這本書的時候，有一種求知慾的渴望，引領我發瘋似地往下看，也注意到，我在閱讀的時候能夠暫時逃離情傷，工作帶給我強大的壓力，以及對於未來未知的恐懼以及家人對我的高期待(能說甚麼呢? 我就是義大利人口中說的 figlia unica)，焦慮的症狀好像在閱讀時能稍微離我比較遠一點。
憂鬱，焦慮，失敗者的心態以及私人因素 導致於我在某段時間暫時離開米蘭 (我所謂的戰場) 回到家鄉台灣，由於這些負面能量可能也買了飛機票跟著我回到家鄉，也因此，家人朋友與我說話時，我只想揍扁每個人，我找到小時後避難的地方，我家門前的南勢溪。
跟看了第一本書一樣，單獨坐在河邊時，我總能感到一絲寧靜，負面情緒離我又遠一點了。
接下來，我在整理房間時找到某年暑假回台灣度假，當時受到愛情傷害的朋友曾經對我說，有一本書很值得情傷的人看，因為書中會教導你如何去正確的愛人，當下我興沖沖買了，也是沒有看完，那是我第一次接觸奧修 Osho(Spiritual Teacher), 書名為Love,freedom and Aloneness 中文為 愛 自由 與孤獨 。

你們想也知道我這一次乖乖的把這本書看完了，但一樣，我心情並沒有比較好，反而更差，因為我發現....我所相信以及執著執行的每一個想法，動作都是不符合奧修的觀點，換句話說，就是我發現我好像搞砸了，但我當下想法是，well...maybe 奧修也有錯的時候。

這時候我決定尋求科學的幫助，於是我跑到了精神科諮詢(快要三個月每天晚上都睡不好，吃不下，體重受到49...認識我的人都知道，有點誇張，重點是我的情緒已經到達不是顛峰High就是低谷low，大喜或大悲)，醫生默默丟給我幾個字叫做焦慮性依附 (attachment),他開了些助眠劑給我叫我找個心理醫生就沒事了。

回憶那天，我很開心得步出醫院，因為我想，看吧我就是有病，我就知道，問題有了專業答案，還能有辦法定義這個症狀，我想我還是有救的。 其實這個當下，我學會了臣服 surrender，(臣服是在當下的力量 The Power of Now 裡面提到的一種超越痛苦前你要有的心理建設與準備 ,接受吧，臣服吧，不要抗拒帶給你痛苦的事件。)

這時候我想，既然我是一個心理上生病的人，讓心靈導師引導也好，半信半疑的我又去接觸了下面幾本書。
Emotions: free from Anger, Fear and Jealousy /by Osho
遇見未知的自己 (Meet yourself, the unknown one/in Chinese) /by 張德芬 
The tools / by Phil Stutz & Barry Michels

看完這些書後，加上每天在河邊的冥想，我歸結出一件事，我的不快樂來自我的內心，我的不快樂來自於我無法接受我所有的缺點，所以我不愛自己，我將所有的愛分享出去，卻看不見自己越來越空虛，越來越不平衡，最後，因為事件發生，爆炸。

於是我開始想，這些理論，如何讓我成功的去尋找快樂呢?(雖然很多理論證明，快樂來自於內心，但是也有理論證明，快樂來自於自己的努力及保持) 我總不可能一天到晚旅行跟花錢買行頭吧!
在離開台灣的最後一天，在機場亂逛時找到啟發我寫部落格的這本書>

The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin 
他給我了一個努力的方向，從發現自己不快樂的來源與原因，再來制定自己法則，讓每天的自己過得更好更開心

於是 我打算 也使用這個法則 讓自己每天都盡量遠離負面情緒，不要被情緒引導我過生活。
這是一個實驗，也許我會放棄，也許哪天又讓情緒壟罩我跌入黑洞代表我的法則真的沒有用，我不知道，就請大家一起見證吧 (話說回來我也滿緊張的 哈哈)!

某個曾經很親密的人曾對我說，你無法控制與決定你要如何改變，你也無法決定何時何地你如何改變，就讓著你的生活與經驗來迫使你改變，並不用大聲攘攘 說 hey I am changed.

直到前幾天我也在懷疑我自己是否可以控制 (因為我本身就是控制狂) 自己的改變，但是如果改變是為了追求人生的快樂，why not!!

人生就是一場永無止盡的嘗試與變通!

三個月前與三個月後，雖然好像受到很大的傷害，不過現在身體裡有一種比較穩定的力量，促使我在更往前邁進。