Release emotion

These days I am basically locked up by my broken door, and for the safety, I had no choice but satying in my house all day long.

It's impossible basically to go on a exhibition or go somewhere more than 2 hours.

And some emotion was like me being locked in my mind and started to affect me, I can feel it.

At first, I blamed on myself , that how come after so many practices I will still feel the negative emotion around.

I felt really frustrated and once again almost give in to these emotions.

One of my mentors reminds me that I should continue to create, especially, I was studying design for a long time.

So, I took two hours to go finding the material, which will allow me to draw wildly, and thank god that I found it when everyone in italy is on vacation.

I spent quite amount of money but I felt really excited like kids receiving their Xmas gifts.

Once I got home, I didn't wait for a second but start to draw.

I don't care what people might judge, but just draw.

Guess what, after 3 hours of drawing, for the first time in these days, I am hungry like hell.

I sent the pictures to her and thank her for the remediation, and I will never forget her reply:

She said: look, your negtive emotion today ends up creation, they transformed into beautiful ideas.

I realized one thing, that no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to avoid having negative emotions. That is a toxic way to temporary solve the problems but it will come along after with more terrible reaction.

The point is how to release your anger, sadness and worries, instead of throwing to other people and expect someone can remove or make you forget the emotions.

My happy project isn't about to be always happy, instead, is to be able to release myself from all the things which cause my pain and anger.

What I have learned today is whenever I feel to be surrounded by emotions, I will release them by sports and creation.

I want to love myself better and more, and the evidence to be loved by myself is to release myself from emotions caused by anything, anyone, anywhere.

I must also be thankful to those whoever hurtled me, because you make me learn this lesson.

Cheers for today.

Example-The power of now

This blog is an example which reveals the practice of the book The Power Of Now(please see my previous article)

Have you ever had a feeling that your brain is full of thoughts,and you want to yell "hey Stop",but you couldn't make your brain stop thinking.

This reaction usually comes along with anxious, sadness and anger ...which I always called negative emotion.

These days actually I was getting through this.

Tonight when these thoughts came again,I was anxious and desired to find a friend to express all.

Then I realized that I was repeating my old path which tried to through my emotions to others in order to feel better.

However, I knew if I would do it,the peace will be just temporary.

I knew those thoughts are not for real,instead they were spoken by my eagles(which I built out for solving practical problems in life, or which I built from some old sad experiences happened in my life).

It feels like that I am in a room where is full of people who is talking, and getting louder and louder.

I clearly know that there is only one person who doesn't speak, but totally calm.

And I need to find that person, because it presents my true self, who wasn't labeled by the world and who's mind and soul  won't be affected by what ever happened or what will happen,because that person is truly living in the present.

The more I wanted to find that person, the more I heard other voice saying"no, you have to trust us, because we are doing everything to protect you from hurt", well, normally I stopped right there and started to have another break down.

However,this time I wanted to try to fight on my own to find the peace.

I stopped looking for and started to ask myself:

Right now at this moment what is bothering you, what is your truly problems?

Well, there is no such a problem now is so fatal to me.

Then I asked again, then you are worried about something might happen in the future or it happened from the past.

I answered :both.

Then at that moment, I realized that I am not living in the present.

And I felt like I just found the person who presents my inner peace.

It was so warm to come closer and reconnected with it, and all the sounds which spoken by my eagles were gone.

I was on my bed and started to review what just happened, and there is a strong strength which comes inside my body, like the blood, starts from my heart and to every each part of my body.

It's been wonderful and amazing that I had experienced the real power of living in the present.

And let go all the possibilities regarding what will or will not happen.

Life after all, can't be predicted.

Something bad or something good might happen the next minute or next hour, but it can't be controlled at all.

I just care one thing, that to be more alert to eagle sounds and light them up by self's light.

I determined to search for peace which not teaches me to run away but to face the real problems in life.

Eagle sounds which comes along with negative emotions will never be true problems in life.

Cheers for the book and cheers for living in each moment of now.

Childlike = maybe childish

These days being alone and planning my life from friends,family and work (which at first wanted to force myself to get used to the life alone-which might happens once a while or more often that people  who are so familiar to me are away,then what should I do) , I have to say that I had thought a lot.

Which is a good process to me that I started to open the gift "break up" which once broke my heart and my "so called wonderful life".

I started to realize that my childlike maybe equels childish.
I used to spend days waiting and counting when I am able to spend time with lover, and spent most of the time doing nothing home with him.

I onced call it "simple happiness", however, now since I started to plan my days alone, I found out that my "simple happiness" was a time-wasted.
And it lead us to an empty life.

It's such a shame to admit that I once thought and acted this.

I forgot that under my watch and "love", slowly tracked us in this little circle that we became unable to do anything.

I should assist whoever I love to reach more his dreams, to focus more on his dreams by taking care of my life.
Because at this age, only working hard and speeding up for what we dreamed of will gain us opportunity to win our dream life in the future.
However, I was like a child to ask for more time with me staying home or watching movies, or even spending hours in fancy restaurant.

Like a child, indeed, really childlike thinking at the end things will come in a very smooth way.

However, at the end I found myself there and feel more empty, since like I forgot how fun it is when two people got together waved by dreams and connected by the desire to challenge.

I remember when I entered the senior high, my father once told me, be thankful to those who are friends and also sometimes are strict to you.
He said,only the true friend will suprivise you to get better.
Those who will only hang out with you for fun, and be super easy to you, you can't mix them with your truly friends.


I guess in the past, I was one of "fun friends", I should have tried harder to support and to notice what my other half needs at each moment.
Instead of thinking what a relax day and let it happen as usual.

A woman who will be able to handle her life and also to make sure that both parts are moving forward instead of stopping at some certain level.

I don't know about men's angle so I guess I will leave there just speak for my part.

I will warn myself and to be more alert when I will have the chance to fall in love again.
Love is not everything, because we use it as excuses.
The true one should be able to move forward.

Cheers for thoughts, they always come across when you will be calm and peaceful.

My City

After a fantastic week in Tuscany,I was back to Milan two days ago.
I have to say, that I am getting back my energy to Milan.

It's more than difficult to describe my thoughts; well, let's started my routine these days.

Basically there is no routine, except sleeping,eating and showing which I will have to do everyday.
There is no certain time of waking up, however I still woke up around 9.30, then made myself a great caffe (which thanks to the Nesoresso machine).

Started to read the book (which since my vacation started, I've had this eager to read every book which Lea left to me for summer)

The book list please see as following:

The book Thief - Markus Zusak
The Five people you meet in heaven-Mitch Albom
La Soltitudine Dei Numeri Primi -Paolo Giordano

And the desire for "La Soltitudine Dei Numeri Primi "drove me to the bookstore in downtown to buy the Italian version (which I did this all the time,and never had the patience to finish it)
This time, one chapter a day, I determined to finish it as the only task that I set for myself in summer.

I recommend a lot for these books, each one had speed my heart beat in their ways.
I am a terrible recommender regarding books or movies, so if you're interested on these books, better you google them and find out yourself.

It's selfish to say, but I'd like to keep my feedback to those who ever entered my life and realized what I'm going through, or I find it's time wasting to start with these discussion.(my favorite reading group member is now in my country with other freaks like us. Miss u btw :) )

Anyway, then maybe seeking some food in downtown or "wasted" my whole afternoon in museum.
The other day, I spent quite hours in "Museo900" which is just located in the alley by Duomo church.

I am not a good student in art history in my fashion design corses either back home or in school in Italy.
Which I found some fantastic inspiration, however , from those artists who I can't barley record who are they.

Some particular art works you may take a look on google(once again I prefer to keep my thoughts in mind, one because that I am not professional, second, there is a huge step for me to write an article for art in English...)

Umber to Boccini
-Elastica
-Studio di Testa
-Dinamismo di una testa d'uomo
-Dinamismo di una testa di Donna (my favorite)

Giacomo Bella
-coste Ilazioni del Genio

Mario Sironi
-Ballerina (my favorite)

Giorgio de Chirico
-Les Files d'ebdomeros

And suprisedly there are also exhibition for young modern "crazy" artists which I fall in love enterly:

Giuseppe Penone

-Rovesciare I proprio Cochin 

Cristiana Palandri

-ho perso la testa 2007/2010

Gabriele De Vecchi

-Ambiente -Strutturazione a parametric virtualli

So far that is it !!

Take a look on my Instagram ,except some daily pics, there are also the photo of the exhibition..well some.

And pretty much my days end like this.

I felt really relax, no one can tell me to turn on my computer, to reply email, to answer the phone, to text back, to reply on what's app, to eat, and start to account how much I ate ...

Which is fantastic, just me, the city, and my little flat.

In the serenity which I found myself really happy.

Sometimes I climb on the windowsill and after my cig, I just lay on there which I just have to be apcareful that I will not fall down.(from where I sit, the length is only about 100cm, and the width is about 30 cm.)

I love so much to climb there, feels like no one can enter my own space.

Sometimes look up the sky and enjoy the sunlight which slowly slowly burned my skin.

I realized that I do belong here, not because what I do for living, what I love to eat and to see.

It's because I built a life here, a life which Kept me staying here.

No one can realize that but myself, I built out everything by my own hand and also by some extra help.

More importantly, after my life experiences which bumped into me in Milan, I melt into this city.

I found myself here.

One day I might take off but I will never forget that cross a half world, I once found my life here, and more importantly is that I got to know who I am.

It's not easy to focus on yourself transforming each day while the world seems so foreign to you, and especially every elements changes everyday in this world.

It's not important anymore what I had found and what I had lose here, it's important that I had found my way back.

Right now, right here, I am happy for what I have just now.

P.S a guy told me that I need some help for my mental problems, because "according" to him, that I had been through something terrible and for this reason, I closed my heart and wouldn't let anyone come inside.

Well,dear, you don't know that for the first time I accept myself being someone who everyone might calls freak.

But I am not afraid anymore, to be a freak who has the inner calm.

Cheers guys for where we belong and for who we truly are instead of being someone for the expectation by others.

Thanks ,I am fine.

Since google deleted my previous booze, I will write in short here.

Friends back home and friends got back home asked:how are you (with worried voice)
And I said, I am fine!thanx.

This decision actually is the best which I had ever made in my life.
Which I tried to spend all summer by my own, and refuse the opportunity to hang out with romance.
Some of you might think that I am still waiting for opportunity to meet some one ore have someone back.

Well, That is not the reason I decided not to go home.
Some of you thought that I am hurt so that I wanted to lock myself up....
Not true.

Truth is the I realized in the past, I wanted to always find someone to be with.
A close friend, a close coworker, a close lover to stay together in case that I will be poor lonely.
Because I didn't know being alone, what else I could do.

There was a period filled by parties, by dating list, by friends , by love, by work...
Never had been filled by staying alone and enjoying alone.

I realized this is not. Life by Doris, it's a life by Doris and someone else.
I wanted to create my own story and without anyone's accompany for a while.
Only to have fun by my own and learn to discover what will make me happy instead of who.

Life is so long, maybe I will have another 50 years to go, if I only build my happiness and passion on someone, at the end I will find my life as empty as the past few years.

You guys are wonderful, each of you, but understand me in this way.
I am able to create lots of first time in my life, and after these shitty months, this is the most important thing That I learned.

I am able to make my life remarked even np by my own.

Because a happy person is capable to build things will make her happy instead of on who will offer the opportunity to be happy.

I am happy that I took this trip to Viareggio, because it gave me the courage to take another trip my own later.

I am happy to resign and join noba, because I did it for myself , not consider others.
I am happy to bump into challenge because I know I will at the end solve it.

I am happy to pass these months like a crazy bitch, because I learned something from it and the past.

Be happy for me even you said you don't know how to communicate with me.

I helped myself already , long way to go but I stood up by my own strength,didn't I?


Miss you all, and love you all forever.

Cheers for these incredible persons in my life ;)

Patience

I went to the new company which I'll sign my contract soon which based in Tuscany,Italy.

It's an amazing experience for me, because I finally got the chance to enter "ufficio stile" (which in Italian means style office-where all the designers work and be inspired)

 

I was really excited because one day I am going to have my own style office and create my own collection inside.

However,after 1.8 years working in Showroom, finally my opportunity comes which my request got replied by one of our brand-and my request was:I'll keep working in their own showroom,however, when there is no sales campaign, they will have to have me working as internship girl in their design office.

As soon as I saw all the material on the table and mood boards all around the wall, my heart bumped so fast as if I knew that this will be the life that I desired for so long.

I knew that this is just a small start, but slowly and slowly, I am getting closer to my dream.

I remembered one of my practices which no matter how unconfident I am,once a while stop and be proud of myself.

It needs patience and passion to archived what I am chasing for my future, and each step will just be harder and harder, and maybe for this reason I will have to sacrificed lots of things, however I take it.

It took me a while to realize that my dream was abandoned by so many reasons, now since it has be found again, I will never easily let it hide again,

And my biggest problem is that I a lack of patience, even though I might have more passion than others.

However, timing is the most important thing regarding to be the rule that I desire,

Love, life, work, family, friendship......each one needs patience and passion and build up.

I must be too rush to desire to have them all once in my hand, and just life the old saying in Taiwanese, eat this fast, be careful that you will break your bowl.

I am going to learn how to adjust myself and prepare for every arrival of opportunities.

When the opportunity is in late, well,be patient and keep moving on, one day what will belong to me will come to find me without any notices.

Today I walked in and shakes my hands, kisses to everyone in the company and they welcomed me as a new member of family.

Means that in the following future, that I have to work ten times harder to embrace my next opportunity.

Cheers for the new beginning which I had prepared for a period,

 

Sport day

It's been a long time that I didn't swim.
I remembered When I was little how much I was in love to go to the river near by my house in mountain.

Today I went to the beach in Viareggio and dive into the water,feels like all the worries and sadness were flashed away by the wave.

It feels all the harsh time and troubles that I had in Milan released in the water.
Amazing isnt it,out body?

In the Book of Oslo mentioned to release the emotion, is to go jogging or other sports which can Put you into the continuing movement.
I guess that swimming is the one of the sports which can release emotions.

Then seeing the ocean and the sky,the re is a moment which I forgot how to be' angry to something ever happened in the past.

Even after When I recalled these stories,inside of me said, laugh it and let it go.
I want to keep observing myself days after, because problems of emotion could disapear in short time,and return with the  worse recation after.

At least today I experienced another way to release my pressare and these non stop thoughts in my inner.

Empty,not only my mind but also my body.
Cheers for relaxing where people always smile to strangers.

Meaning of Travel

Vacation day 2!

I took off for searching the Meaning of Traveling.

When I Was a little girl, I had a dream which travel with someone that I deeply in love, because I believe  in this way,my life would be' completed.

Never understood how come it became the reason that those I had loved left.

I decided to create a new task for my happiness project for this summer:

Which is to find out the meaning of traveling on my own.

I believe that my the only reason that my wish was seldom fulfilled is because God wants me to realize first to have fun even When I travel alone.

So the first stop is to visit my manager Who worked wish me in the previous showroom, unfortunately his mother passed away a month ago.

Normally I would refuse to hang out with co-worker after work, but since I have to start my own trip,it Will ne nice also to spend sometime with him.

There is another reason to travel on my own this time: to get rid of all the things and thoughts about Italian.

I wanted to feel the culture in a very clean and calm mind.

The priest said the other day to me that life can start all over agian,the only effort in your hand is to Just believe it.

Believing that you can be changed and life can be' different. 

I had so much anger on me and on others, and that is why i refused to believe what they said and what they might do.

I want to let it out and release this anger in my trips,still dont know how ...

But I want to clean out my head and mind first in order to know , to understand the culture.

Like a old computer needs to reintall, in order to make some rooms for the new info, the old deta must be deleted.

Maybe one day i Will actually be' able to forgive like I always wanted to.

Hardly Made it in the past,unfortunately.

This is the view from my room in Viareggio. 

I started to consider myself the lucky one to have a free place like this to stay for few days.

Cheers for the new install ;)

Vacation Day 1

As I said, work hard and play hard.
I finished my duty in July and today is the first day that I finally own my own time.

I went to get my nails done in order to go to the beach on friday.
And also went shopping for sandles which I had been thinking more than two years to buy.

I am starting to get a book list which I will bring to me to the beach and some exhibition to see in empty milan city.

It's not so scary to stay alone when the vacation finally heats, and here is the shopping song from all of you.


Let's shop!


Cheers for Vacation!!!!

Smile for Summer

Let's to make a little evaluation for the period from May to now.

May is the month when I started this project.
I was rush to search for changes, and slowly slowly, here I am writing for the short conclusion about my life.

It's been hard and tough this period, however, I did few things for myself:

• without any help, I moved out share flat, and live by my own

• without any help, I changed my job to another company which offers me more opportunity to express & to learn towards to design

• With help, I read more than 15 books
• Reconnected friendship with my friends
• Overcome the sleeping problems
• Gain 0.5 kg
• Eat more regular (including daily fruit and vegetable)
• New habits: painting and cleaning 

I wish that I can write more changes which transfered from this period, however, I can't think more than those.

One of my good friends once told me, in the entire life of being a female, the most difficult thing is transfering from a girl to  a woman.
She said: the conflicts between being a girl and a woman will tourchered you.
I asked her: how should I know when will be the day that I will transform into a woman instead of  remaining a girl.

She said: you'll never know when, but you can feel that you once passed through some conflicts. But you'll never remember what was touchering you, because once you pass through, all you will do is to look ahead and left what's in behind.

Since today is the last day of my day in showroom, I decided to gift myself a vacation to relax and without thinking anything.

Just to recollect my energy for September.

My new job, new tasks , and new chanllenge are lining up there and waiting for me already.
In this period, what I've learned the most is "A bad day can't last more than 24 hours" "A bad month can't last more than 30 days" "A bad year can't last more than 12 months" "A bad situation can't last once you decide to move on or to change"

Cheers for "everything is possible, and everything could be started over, if you believe so. All you gotta do is to simply believe."


31/07/2013 written in Milan

Progetto Showroom/Milan

It’s time to say good bye, my dear Progetto showroom, where I had worked for one year and seven months.

I remembered the first time when I stepped in, that I made a wish to start my career here, no matter better or worse, there is no way out.

The first time I bumped into difficulties, was holding my phone and cried out in the stock room.

The first time came to the table to write the first order with Italian client, and the first time I was sent to Paris and Berlin.

The first time I made café, and the first time business meeting with companies.

 The first time I fought with colleague, and the first time embraced by you guys.

There were conflicts, but there were laughers.

 

You guys taught me everything which I needed to be sales, and you guys trained me into a tough woman who fights for what I want.

 I might say lots of bad things about this company and co workers, however, at the last day, I can’t help crying again.

I am so sorry to let you down, and to decide to leave in this short time.

Forgive me still acting like a kid, but I really appreciate what I had learned from everyone who had worked with me in this place.

But I had found what I want for my next step, unfortunately that place is not here.

I always thought that at the last day, I will be more than happy and walk away.

Never thought it would be so hard…

 

After all , in some point of view, our dreams had once crossed.

And it’s sad to say good bye.

Thanks to Giancarlo, Paolo, Diego, Monica, Eliza, Chiara, and the last Lea who presented me to Progetto.

I am going to miss you guys and Progetto, the first place which I started my career in foreign country and the first place who offered me a chance to keep fighting.

It’s my time to walk to another road.

You probably never thought that I might be this upset to leave, because I never tell and never show.

Life is full of choices, and each one is harder than the one before.

It’s been hard to decide to walk away, but I wish you all the best and wish one day in the future we might meet again.

 

Some words I may not able to express in person to you guys, however, I am more than grateful to have this honor to work with you.

Thank you and Good bye for now.

From Taiwan to Italy

This week has been difficult for me, due to few days ago I had another heart attack, and since I lived by my own now, at that moment all I could think about is

If something really happened, I’ll never able to say good bye to those I love.

It happened very late, around 1.30 in the morning.

I tried to ask for help; unfortunately not everyone was available since its sleeping time.

The whole process was longer than ages, every parts of me were tumbling, and I could feel my heart could stop in any minute.

After I passed through, I started to cry out loud until morning.

I was angry how come no one hears my calls, my messages.

And I was mad of myself how come I put myself in this situation by leaving home, by leaving share flat, by being this lonely.

 

The rest of the day, I had been thinking these questions and let my emotion took me up and down.

Then at some certain point, I stopped.

 

It took few days to recollect all the thoughts and to write it down my conclusion.

 

No one is responsible for my life, and no one has the responsibility to save me when I am in danger like this.

Even the ones who loved me, who loves me or who will love me, non of them supposed to help me at that point of view.

And I have no right to call those I had asked for help “Cold Blood” because they hadn’t replied me on time.

I am here with the pain from heart attack because I didn’t take a good care of myself, I am alone because I had decided to move out from share flat, I am not familiar with ambulance, hospital information because I am in a foreign country and which I had decided also that to come here by myself for fulfilling my dreams.

There must be a price which I have to pay for having this kind of life, which the life everybody sees so amazing and exciting.

 

There is no one I can blame to even I experienced a horrible night by my own.

 

And from this point of view, I started to review my current year which I had suffered from some personal issues.

It’s been four years which I had lived in Milan, and I still can’t give up the thought that I am a foreigner.

Always wish someone to help, someone to ask, someone to accompany, someone to comfort me, someone to encourage me.

However, it’s a mistake.

In here, life will never be as easy (at least not now) as in my hometown.

Always something reminds me that I am not good enough> language problems, immigrant’s policy problems, races problems, financial problems, culture problems…everything

Keeps reminding me and testing my edge.

I just have to fight for what I need and what I want to keep my journey here.

But I made these problems happen by my own decisions, because no one forced me to stay here.

If I want to continue, then the first thing now is to give up myself pity thoughts and front it as a half Italian.

No more expectation that someone will save me from bad situations, and no more accuses for those I wish they can help but for some reasons, they can’t help on time.

I have already no reason to claim myself as a new bird in this country.

Because I decided to and I had to realize that I am responsible for what might happen to me.

It’s not fair, indeed.

To expect someone who only has four years experience in a foreign country can adjust well her life.

But no matter how hard it will be, at the end if I really can’t take it anymore, I can always head back to home.

I am here because I want to.

Just face it and I will know when this life will against to my limit.

Until then, life must go on.

New list for happiness project

After resigning from the company which I had worked for 1.8 years, tonight I finally had dinner with my boss who had once offered an opportunity for me to remain in Italy.

Surprisingly, he wasn't angry as I imagined that I left his company at all.

We both agreed and accepted the situation right now and even mentioned more regarding some cooperation projects for the following months and to keep friendly relationship in order to work again in the future.

This is a maturity I guess, that even though we couldn't fight for goals together later on, but in order to create bigger benefit, we realized that we still need each other for some certain assistance.

Although I might sacrifice my summer vacation and keep working for extra month, I feel only content instead of pity.

I had found my goal and I made my choices, which also make me realize that I have no time to waste anymore.

I got to take my chance and just speed up, work harder than yesterday in order to have a piece of opportunity to be successful in the future.

I am not jealous more if I happened see young kids, young couple on the street laughing or dragging their luggage for trips, because I knew that kind of time has passed in my life.

At this moment, I must work more and more, learn as more as I can from work, from life, and from everyone who can be my model.

For the first time, I wanted to keep working in August and take off for business trip right away.

I knew no matter how tired I will be, inside of me I will be really satisfied.

My recently life is working, meeting, dinner meeting, friends meeting, scheduling for extra work hrs.

Body can be tired, but my mind remains exciting.

I made a wish; wish that the following years I can fly more to different countries for expanding my vision, also to expand the company which I will work for.

Too boring to stop for other reason, and too wasted to give up this dream.

No one can stop me for heading to the final, and which encourages me more to work harder.

If I desire more than average, than I should give up more for archiving there (even if I won’t be able to archive, at least I have tried)

My New Happiness Project for Summer:  Tuscany (work), Lyon(language studying), Milan(cooperation project), Paris (on show)

Let's see how will it goes!

If you make a wish (which you truly want from the bottom of heart) and just believe it, the whole universe will gather to help you.

It takes only to believe it.

Cheers for discovering the expectation in life!!

Joy-Scam

This morning I finally woke up early to get my bank issue done.
Which I had to transfer my rent and apply for automatic payment every month to my landlord.

I found everyone was smiling to me, even when I said"I need to transfer my money every month to a person" in Italian..... hahahah..anyway, I was suprised how come everyone is so nice.

Made me wonder, that I shouldn't be so scared that I have to deal with these issues alone.
By trying to speak their langugage earns me some respect from the local, althought not everyone, however , it's enough to encourage me to keep improving language.
Especially after I had finished all the application, I felt super great (although it's a really easy task,but I am really happy that step and step I am fitting in the life in Italy).


Afternoon, someone called me from Vodafone (Please pay really attention) that they are promoting a new internet service, which I really need like hell this period (already survive one month without wifi home...)
Strangely he didn't mention too much about how much GB that this 19 euro will offer every month, instead he is proceeding already the contract on the internet, and inform me that after 8-10 days it'll arrive the contract.
After the contract, will arrive their co-worker to set up my wifi home  bla bla bla.

Then started to ask me:
birth
address
codice fiscale
No. Passport (which I found really wired to give someone my passport number by the phone)
Bank account number ????????????????????????????? I mean really???

I didn't give him the passport number and the bank account because like I explained to him, I really dont feel comfortable to give my personal informations on the phone with someone called me from 09xxxxxxx (not even from the office in Milan).. anyway I told him try to call me back that I'll pass to an italian friend.

He couldn't understand at the end how come I can't give him my account number and passport number.....(well, maybe because it's not normal to tell a stranger who you might never got the chance to find who he really is in the future the info so important)


nothitng really particular today, however, I felt really rested and happy.
Maybe because when I actually front my life, I found that I can or I could handle it better even without any help.

I start to  like the feelings to be independent... ;)

At work today, the lady (who had yelled at me and others already for more than years) yelled at me again.......I decided to fight back.
Which I told her, you shouldnt have to yell, this is not a serious  thing that you need to yell.
And plus you guys made mistakes as well, so really, honestly you dont have the right to yell.


For the first time that I said something back, which I should had done that long time ago.
It's not becoming one of them, but to stand up for myself.
There is a big difference between yelling and comunicating.

Which I always thinking that comunicating should be tender and be soft...however, if you just express the reality without any emotions, it's also another way to comunicate.

I am surprised by my reactions as well...but I am proud of myself.
Standing up for myself.
Cheers for a day like this.

Sunday Morning

It’s the first Sunday morning that I am off from work since I had moved in.

Last night after my practice (see the previous blog) , I fell asleep all the way to this morning.

It’s also the first time I am able to sleep for this long, well, almost 12 hours of sleeping.

I spent my whole morning enjoying breakfast, cleaning house, and laundering, morning showering.

 

Finally when I set down on the table with one of the books that I always wanted to read, I reconsidered the NY trip.

Is it another getaway from my fear?

Is it another reason to prove that I am ok?

The meaning for this trip is more or less like my trips to Vienna in April?

Or backing home in May?

 

Will I feel better after I come back from NY?

Or I will once again be in the circle which drives me run away all the time when some special days, holidays approach?

Yes, it’s certain a getaway.

 

I am afraid to staying alone in this city regards all the memories in summer time.

That will drive me crazy, I thought…

Keep running away can’t solve this problem, and I must get used to continue my life in Milan without accompany.

 

I decided to stay, the whole month in Milan, and I think I am able to figure out how to spend my life alone in vacation.

Of course it will need some plans to enjoy my vacation in an empty city, however, I believe in myself that in the end I will have lots of fun and relax being alone.

One of my friends once told me , that if I felt insecure of something, the best way to overcome is to front it.

 

So, I am going to do so.

 

“Everything happened in our life is a gift from God, if we will have enough patience and courage to open the gift, we’ll get to learn or gain something from it”

I am going to start to open the gift, or should I say start to see it as a gift.

 

Cheers for courage!

To meet the unknown self : Practice

“I am searching for the harm to be betrayed and not to be loved; I accepted it with all my heart and release the needs I require”

By my period is approaching, my mood becoming really unstable.

I tried a lot to cry it out like a baby.

Then when I calm down, I remembered that this book I read few months ago.

One chart of the book was saying that there is a reason to continue to be unhappy and stock in a bad mood.

It also says that all the life situation is projected by this needs which inside our inner.

For example, I always had problems to trust each bf that I had in the past, and I always the reason why they left because there were some other girls in their life, who are better than me..ect.

Or even when I was in a stable relationship, I always searched for clues that my other half might be cheating on me at the same time.

I am quite confused until I read this book.

It said that everyone person has some certain problems, which was affected by life experiences.

Of course we never tried to ask ourselves, what is my problem because when we are in the life situation , we often lost our mind and refused to consider all the possibilities.

However, if you think twice, you might lucky find out that some problems are caused of your fear which hidden inside of your heart.

And this fear slowly becomes a need, which requires to be fed by more pain, bad thoughts, and depression.

At the end you search for more evidence or you create another life situation for feeding, supporting this need.

There is a way to release yourself from this need, is to find out what scares you more and write down :

“I am searching for                                               ; I accepted it with all my heart and release the needs I require”

To remind yourself that everything happens in your life is just a projection from your conscious.

I am really tired of feeling hurt just because someone pressed like on some pictures, writing a sentence, uploading some pictures. And it can really make me cry for hours.

I want to be happy because I chose to be happy.

Friends say , this is who I am, so I should accept the way I am .

Well, but if I don’t feel happy about this part of me, why should I pretend that I am doing fine.

When I actually write down this sentence, feels like every doubt in my inner got released a little bit.

Like the book says> There is nobody outside, from the beginning to the end, only yourself being there.

We’ll see how my life situation will go by the practices.

To be continued!!

Cheers for trying to make a change for being happy.

Le Herrison

“It’s not important to die; important is that what you are doing when you die”

French Movie by Muriel Barbery

A Hedgehog was born with weapons, but once you have the chance to touch the body without thorn covered, you’ll find a tender heart below.

To take a step is as hurt as pulling a thorn down and it takes more than courage to let down the self defense.

A hedgehog has to take the responsibility that after taking off all the weapons, it might easily die.

A reborn hedgehog unfortunately will have to install all the thorns back, it will take a while because the wound still bleeding.

Step by step, it’ll recover.

New York City -American Dreams

New York
Yes, I am out of my mind, that I decided to go to NY for the summer.

Yes, I am a crazy bitch that even though I have so many documents to handle for Visa, I still want to give a try.

Yes, that I decided this morning, that I am heading alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It comes the time that I have to take this adventure alone, without thinking somone is avaliable to go with me or something else.

"If your heart wants to wild, why don't you just follow your heart"

Maybe I'm not a designer yet, but I shall never give up my chance to be inspired.

I need something new, something exciting, something will nervous me for this summer.

Forget about Italian Fashion, French elegance, and all the europe impact.

Hot shorts, Headphone, Ipod, Cellphone, Flat Shoes..ect.. 

Let's go!

To meet new impact, new culture, new idea, new street, new people.

Cheers for inspiration!

Preparation for new job

Today has been hard,that after a day working,I had to dinnr with my supervisor.

With the date of finishing my old job arrives,monday I will have to sign new contract with the new company.

Plus prepare myself to Toscany and maybe Copenhagen.

I wish that I don't have summer vacation,becuase it wastes time to gain more experience.

Maybe instead of finding a place to go for relaxing,I prefer to find another job as internship.
We'll see!!

I can't imagine how my life will be,but each day I expected more to be accomplished by my own.

I wish to visit more places as I can by my work,and gaining more contacts as I can,maybe one day I will decide to go.for another country to enjoy new life there.

I sometimes immagine how NY will be,or maybe how Tokyo will be.

I wish to go.to NY for work one day and experience american life.

Then after might as well return to China to fulfill my dream.

every moment is a begining,embrace it and let it excites you.

Cheera for foreign life.

Apology

I'd like to send my apology here to someone who I was crazy in love with.

How late that I realized that I hurted you.

In Jan, during the dinner, when I refused to follow you wherever you'll go in the future, I should have realized that our relationship would end soon.

I loved you, but I also made my choice.
That I wanted to have more sucess in my career instead of being someone's gf, someone's woman.
I didn't mean to harm you but I was being really honest.

Even you said that I can count on you, however, I never wanted to become your burden.
That's the reason that I kept pushing myself to be better and better.

Until today, I realized that you're forced to make this choice by leaving me.
Because of my choice.

You're a kind person that after that night, you didn't mention anymore.

I crashed your dreams to us, to future, to fly high.
And for this I think I owe you an apology.

I dreamed about the moment when we will be ready to leave together, to chase for our dreams together in another foreign country, just you and me.

But unfortunately it's still too early to take that step.

I would like to go , when we both are ready.

Not because one of us needs to , wants to and we must to proceed together against our own willing.

Forgive me as I forgive you.

We just made our choices, and it's something we need to cheer for.

Step by step, we'll become the persons we always dream of.
Step by step, if we're meant to be, the string which connects us will never break.

Cheers!

documents

well,finally comes the day I have to register my residence and apply for ID card in Italy...
I always thought that one day I might leave so for the past 4 years I didn't really want to get these documents.

Now the problems just arrived that I need these documents for daily life.

As usual the office of Milan is slow...and they will need more time to just check and check in order to give me the ID card.

But I am not afraid to deal with it anymore,because I had too many experiences on it.

Part of being mature is to front this on my own.
I believe that  I will be more confident after the process.

Am I really a half italian now?
After 4 years in Italy made me forget the life is in foreign country.
seems like this is the life I am used to since I was a kid.

one thing can be sure that no matter in the future which country I will go,I can survive without any problems.

Definately this is the greatest experience in my life that I lived in a totally opposite cultural place and fighting for my dreams.

Cheers for chanllenges!

happiness project

Friend told me that her friend suggested her to write a daily dairy called grateful dairy.

She said : only if you are grateful each day, then you will learn to how to take each day as a cherish experience.

I smiled.

The reason why I started my happiness project was because I was suffered for a really simple reason, which I was really depressed.

Beginning from these days, I started to learn to be grateful to everything happened or is happening in my life.

I knew, and I believe something exciting, wonderful is waiting for me.

Just now I have a step to cross, and it might seems hard and lonely, however, I knew once I crossed through, I will become stronger.

Sometimes I have doubt regarding this idea of being grateful or believing something better is waiting for me.

The best solution to calm myself down is to write dairy..

I mentioned today to one of my good friend, which blog is becoming a really useful tool for me..to often reminds me that I am running my happiness project.

Reminding me that no matter what happened, this project can not be stopped, because once in my life I wish to be determined to the end.

Even blogging is not as important as saving the world…however, it became like a mirror, that every single time when I want to write an article, I am forced to face to the deepest insecure and the darkest fear.

Now that I learned one thing:

I never believed that I can be happy to be alone.

All this time I was running away from facing the fact that I must learn to enjoy my life alone.

Friends, family, lovers, are the plus, however, without the base only depends on plus, the happiness is just temporary.

I cooked for myself, I tasted wine myself, I listened to the music myself, I read myself..all the things prove that I am taking my step from a person who never believes being alone can be as fun as being with someone to slowly slowly surprised by the joy which being alone brings to me.

My other friend told me, in order to cure the insecurity, the best way is to front it.

I was afraid to being alone, because it seems like I lose all the attention, and without the attention I felt like I am no one.

And the most interesting is that when I finally learn how to be with myself, I started to receive messages from friends, who encourages me to continue my project because actually lots of people who cares of me is supporting this blog.

I want to thank all my friends or those who is reading.

I appreciate that you tried to get into my world and to understand the meaning why I started this project.

I am grateful today, because I had so much fun in work, relaxing on my way home on the tram the sun seems so warm and peace, meals are so delicious that I found my passion to cook again, and that I am still living.

By feeling, tasting, hearing, watching ..it proves that I am still alive.

I still have the possibilities to accomplish, to hunt for what I love and wish.

Step by step, I am about to start my new job, this time let me be honest with myself to say out loud what I want to  gain from work.

And bring the fun to work!!

Tuscany I am coming!

My heart leads me to Milan, and now my next stop will be Tuscany!

Cheers for away from the protecting umbrella, for the courage to new challenge!

Many thanks to Toughy, who never left and always will be as important as my brother, mentor and my best friend.

Grateful

Today I finally bought the machine for boil the water(tea lover :)) And I wa really grateful and content for my new life in new house whoch only belongs to me.
I found my passiom back for cookimg and in which I bought lots of stuff for kitchen use.
My single life finally starts,and my house has been a secret yard for all my friends :)
I have to remind myself that I choose to be happy becuase life ia too short(I read on internet that one of my idol from glee eposide passed away by overdose today,which is too shocked because he just became famous and he only has 31 yesrs old)
At some moment,I recalled something from the past,however I believe all of this will fade away by each day.
I can't do anything about the delousion but at least I can cheer myself up everyday.
Because I dont want to see myself in the upset circle again
I guess this is a way to show my love to myself,by finding expectation for my future and work hard,and most importantly have fun as much as I can without limitation.
No matter how much I tried,the situation wont change from tonight all over,why should I keep asking why??
I should ask myself,all right girl,turnaround and have some fun.
Which I am grateful becuase I felt even god is helping me to be more close to my friends,family,and expand my social circle.
Which demostrates also another thing: truly believing it without second thought,the universe will gether to help you.
Sometimes let it go is the best aspecially when you cant do nothing about it.
Being grateful and enjoy my days alone,with accompany (without is also fun for me)
Cheers for D's life!!!
a lady's life,remarkable and powerful.
its only about me my own life

meal

I finally went to buy a pot for cooking.

It's been months that I refused to cook,even I knew eating outside coats a lot....however every single time when I wanted to cook..I fell into this realy bad mood,seems like reminded me that the one who I wanted so badly to cook for is gone.

Don't know why today I went to buy it and decided right away to cook a good meal for tonight.

As usual,a glass of white wine and music.
I felt so great seems like to be reborn from dark side.

Anyway I am currently reading a book called The love of mothers is terrified.

I was really tired so I didn't read that much.
There is a sentence said: You dont have expectation for you,that is why you are putting all your heart and mind on other person.

I was shocked.....wondering the love which I gave isnt it the same thing?

What is my expectation for myself? I cant remember anymore since when I lost the expectation for my future.

I decided to try,at least just try to figure it out.

I should use my ambition to try to design。。。。then we will c。

Cheers for a beautiful night in my flat.

happiness is a choice

I met a really special friend tonight.
We were chatting about the work and others.

Then he mentioned that he is always happy.

At begining I thought it was a joke because how come a person can be always happy even some bad things happening all the time.

until he told me that his mom told him,happiness is a choise.

I finally understand...which I chosse to be unhappy for the whole time.

I said :if something bad happened,what should I do.
he said:think about something wonderful then.

Is it so easy??how come I never tried to chose to be happy.

seems like a light from the dark cloud just shown.

starts from now,I decide to chose to be a happy person.

Let's see how will it go.

Cheers for new friend,new phylosophy.

energy

"spend everyday as your last day"

This sentence has been used either in books or also in tge movies often.
I always took it as "spend each day as your last day,so try to be close with someone you love"

until this moment,I recieved a gift from God.

Recently I met quite lots of friends.
Odd thing is that these friends were there beside me,but I never let them into my life.

From work,from daily life,each day I make friends.

Funny thing is that I found so easily to hang out with them.

I started to have a real social life by having a drink after work with co-worker, by dinnering with old friends,by walking around in city at the night with new friends,more importantly I can do above also alone and dont feel sad.

And each day I went home but not feeling tired or stressful.
Which I never be able to do nothing when I am doing sales campagn  because I normally got so stressful from work.

Each day I ran out all my energy and happily fall asleep.

I guess I am starting my progress to enjoy my day in Milan.

By walking around at the night,I got the chance to fulfill the dream life I always wanted with a man.

Well,the man doesnt exist,however,I found it interesting because even without a man who can hold my hands and walking through the streets,I can still satisfied by looking around and fill myself in this romantic country.

I didn't check my phone every single minute during the time I am with my friends,work,or alone.

Becauae everything becomes so interesting and I do not want to waste time ignoring what is happenening.

The power of now had taught me a lot.

I cant wait resting well each night,because I know the next day something interesting is waiting for me.

No matter better or worse,it's gift of life.

Keep myself happy and satisfied is thw only and the most cherish task in thw world.

cheers guys for enjoying every moment.