French Women

I want to be a French woman.

Ha.. I reviewed  lots of  articles today, and I found the only common on the bloggers and fashion web is this popular

substantive>french woman

Clearly 80% of the women in the world wants to be a French woman.
But what is exactly french woman means?

After my research, I found out French Woman is not refering woman from France, who eats exclusive france cusine, who smokes, who looks elegant, who has open relationship..ect ,those  are just  too superficial.

The defination of French Women refers to a spirit >  independent, love her own, brave enough to search what she wants, and live in the way she desires.
French is just a adjective which can decorate this type of woman more colorful and fashionable.

However, in Franch, there were also lots of remarkble women which influenced us to carry the idea of French women> Coco Chanel, Marie-Louise-Elisabeth Vigee-Lebrun, Marie-Rosalie (Rosa) Bonheur..ect.

I define French women as a new goal for me to archive > confident, build a life, and be me.

What do I mean to be me?
well, for example, I always want to have short haircut, but unfortunatley I always think if I really cut it, I might lose my charm.

Today on the subway home, I finally make my mind to have a short haircut with bangs.

Charm needs to come from heart, not by following some certain trend/look to remain.
Everybody knows, but hardly not to follow this idea to change ,which is the way really make ourselves comfortable.

Build a life seems too heavy, but I cant find others words to describe.
well, I have to admit, I dont have so many italian friends, maybe cause I am afraid or I thought no one wants to friend me . so in some certain moment, I built a wall to stop everyone who is not asian to come in.

Which is not correct, because I am living here...after all.
Like my boss said, something has changed inside of me , just I am afriad to take down the catch which my world needs to be adjusted a little bit.

If I kept thinking people who doesnt want to be friend with me....then the universe will not help me. all the people comes around will be exactly I project.

I dont have to care so much, what if ... I really hang out with guys..maybe everyone might think it will be too fast for me to date.
Then I found something, wait!! do I really want to date someone or actually friend with someone.
For now, I just want to be friend with someone. Because without a life built by me, another relationship will be just another escape.

The truth is I decided to have a small asian social circle because I felt more comfortable, but I have to also admit that this is not the reason I came here.

I came to Milan for experiencing life, people, and culture.
And by knowing Italian cultrue, I cant only use the help by books or from work.

My goal was to prove that I can survive no matter where I am in this world, because I have a feeling that Milan will not be my last stop in my journey.

So, I want to get rid of all my thoughts for the moment.
Then just to enjoy.

start over

its been 3 weeks thatMy happibess project have been started until today.

I have to admit,project has gone in a way that confuses me a lot.

I realized yesterday that there is nothing I can prevent or perdict from the arrives of unfortune.

unfortune happens everyday,every single minute in this world because world is built by million of people and things.

No matter how hard I try to avoid unfortune , it comes anyway.
Because its life which I am facing.
The more I tried reveals my unperfection.

I will be living in the dark hole cause unperfection is exactly a biggest weakness I want to hide from everyone.

I just have to practice everytime when unfortune  comes, for sure I will be pissed,sad and unhappy at the moment.
might as well take a deep breathe and calm myself down to prepare to start over again.

By getting stronger everyday,soon or later I will pass through.

And soon or later,I wont be so afraid or worried for something might or might not happen.

The stregth which I  experienced will help me to be able to front my life.
It needs time and calm mind to absorb.

this is my conclusion for the third week.

My new task is to believe in things I am sure no matter how absurb sounds to others.
And shall never worry about for something isnt  happening yet.

when things which I cant figure out, I will tell myself-start all over again.

Passion

This blog is dedicated to all my friends who now still fight for design.

I wish we never forget the original passion for what we love to do, and carry it to continue our adventure, no matter where you are.

Without the passion, we are just O.P.

Last night in the club with some friends to relax, came to me this gentleman and started to ask me:

Hey where you from?

You work or study in Milan?

Studied in Marangoni and then work?

Work in showroom, which one?( this is the question I hate the most)

So you work in a showroom for fashion?

What is your master for studies?

About your job, how you find it in Italy> well, comfortable came out from my mouth.... and then I started to think today about all these questions.

I remembered once I mentioned that the four years I spent in Milan are not easy and comfortable.

Since now the first word came out my mouth was comfortable made me confused a lot.

I don’t have so many projects at the same time to work on and there is no deadline, I just have to be in the office on time and finish my work , then go home.

I don’t have to stay up late for figuring out an inspiration and basically I don’t need to be inspired as before anymore.

I don’t have to be so nervous to find the next pay check in order to survive indecently and I know I will just make more money than now in the near future.

The working Visa offers me more than 2 years to keep my life in Milan so I don’t have to work so hard to prove myself because I have time now.

But why I felt so lost when I thought out these questions and cooperation from past and now?

There seems are not zones I should worry about……

Then came to this point: I missed my old life while I was a student or a stage girl even back then I had so many things to worry about.

Because since I got in the position I have now, I started to feel relax and feel maybe this is what I always want if I can live forever like this.

Everything seems going very well, such as payment, promotion, and feels like success is coming soon.

I lost the spirit to fight, to fight myself .

When everything becomes easier than before, I slowly and slowly lose my energy and passion.

I miss the time which every time when I have a new project on my hand, after that moment, the only thing in my mind is how to present a best result.

I miss to review in style.com to collect every runway show to find out something I need.

I miss that the only reason can get me out of my house is to shop cigarettes and came back to my computer, listening the music which already repeated for thousand times to finish my project.

I miss the passion I had for fashion, and always believe in myself that one day I will become someone to rock this place.

The stress made us grow and stronger, but look back these years, I didn’t buy any magazines, I didn’t draw at least one collection, I didn’t review on style.com, I didn’t spend more time on fashion after work.

I even missed the exhibition of little black dress by Karl…

Just because I am too afraid to fight, to feel stress anymore.

Because I thought I was ready to be someone’s wife or start to have babies?

Oh then how come I am so unhappy.

I gave up fighting for this time.

Because I didn’t want to taste any stress from work, from fighting for a better position because I brain washed me which I am not enough.

My father always said, never get to comfortable to your life, because once you experienced this comfort, you will forget how sweet to fight.

Unfortunately I did feel comfortable and I lost myself in it.

Even I kept saying which I want to be at a better position and make my ideas to come true.

However, at the end it was just saying.

I thought now staying in Italy is because I have to have experiences and money in order to go somewhere without seeing that my chance has arrived.

After the experiences I had worked for, now finally came to the time to rock it!

If the life I want just to be married by someone, why should I ever come here?

If the life I want just to be easy (earn money and spend on the things I love) , why should I ever come here?

I might earn less in Taiwan but I don’t have to spend so much on living.

I became a O.P from a tough bitch who always fights for what she wants without caring what people might say and think.

Remember we never questioned ourselves and convince a investor to offer us enough money to have our first fashion show when we were 20?

How we yelled to each other just because we had our brand ?

Remember we never stop talking about design just because we loved it so much, and that get us together.

How we took a plenty bottles of beer, tried to finished them while the time we spoke?

Remember how we talked about to be our own bosses one day because it will be our time to lead?

I forgot all of these.

I mislead myself and those desires in my mind which I tried to hide kept reminding by emotions.

New Task from tonight:

I will have lots of must do every day in order to become a manager in the future.

No matter how people will see me, too young, lack of experience, social freak, cold blood, Asian who is trying to running an Italian showroom.

I don’t care because my time will only be used on those things I used to love to do for my future.

I am happy and grateful now that I have only me to worry about.

Will practice and always remember my passion for fashion even in the future I will have other things to worry about.

Cheers my friends, we are all fighters. Never ever forget that after one task, always arrive another.

And thank you for breaking up with me, that I realize for something I love and always wish to achieve, never enough to fight for.

27 rocks, because I still have so much time to fulfill my dreams.

without label & infinity possibility

I am about to make a point and I wish that no one is going to take personal.

I have been observed this point of view since my little trip back my home country, and have continued this idea when I came back to Milan.

As I told, in these months I realized some personal valuation and I decided to get closer to myself in order to find out the causes why I became unhappy.

And in this period (till now) , more than one person who is around me reminded me that I wasn’t acting as a normal person.

At first, I though, it might be true because after all, those people are my families, close friends, and coworkers who I spent more time with than myself.

Normally I chose to listen to them, however, this time don’t know why I decided to find my own answer to everything.

Love, job , future, and who am I…subjects which I never spent this much time to figure out.

Did I figure out all?

No, for all will be an inspired and fairy tell like answer.

However, being alone like this helps me to listen to my voice which I kept it away for this long.

I know exactly for each day what I want to accomplish and even in the most boring moment, I can try to take it easy instead of let my anger leads me to my burning point.

And sit there and sigh.

People who is close to me doesn’t get the point, they think I am trying to push them away, because I am so damn hurt.

It made me wonder, is there a possibility that everything I did just because I wanted to pretend I am ok.

Maybe one day I am going to break down again and depress myself more than before?

They told me, you are not the way you supposed to be, the way everyone knows you , you should act like……..ect

Which I really want to explain, but I find it really useless.

Which I tried, but doesn’t convince everyone of course.

When I speak…people directly defend their idea instead convincing themselves to believe that I don’t want to announce that I am changed.

I don’t know I am changed or not because I can feel myself but I can’t feel how I as a lover, friend, family to others.

But something crosses my mind more than often, which it’s a power and faith to me.

In some points, I rather believe myself instead of trying to listen to others, seeking for clues.

Yes, people might finds me being selfish which I spent less time caring other people instead of caring what should I do to get more time with myself.

But guys, I started to believe myself and I know whoever can think better solution than me to my life.

Which its incredible because I normally ask for opinion on everything and my decision changed every single two minutes.

It’s beautiful that I can feel I am back to my life game again.

Remember I had mentioned once in one of my article that if you keep being positive and knowing what you want for life, the whole universe will help you?

Well, this is what happened to me recently.

Notice well, I found so many people who suddenly showed up to offer me a help.

More interestedly , I didn’t ask for this help, however, they just showed up in occasion and they just offered.

I believe this is the positive energy which is starting to work out.

And that is why I want to continue to do the things it might looks odd, to believe things which people might shake their heads.

I am not encouraging to live in a fantasy world which you believe the world only exists only beautiful things.

No! I said, listen to your heart (if there are too many voices, ideas, then think everyone without judgments first, because your head likes to judge and makes you feel that you will never make it)

Then be brave to take a try.

Don’t listen to your parents, friends l…ect because when they give you advices, sometimes which are not 100% pure.

They are afraid to see you change into another way to hang out.

You are labeled already by their experiences with you and subconscious from their needs, expectation, and their fear.

This is a weakness which everyone carries in order to survive.

We are all afraid of changes, because we thought that we are born to complete ourselves by the world, love, and social world.

If you are always so busy to reach those, when are you going to complete yourself by searching for who you are?

If you kept feeling it’s so important what people will say, when are you going to be ready to start to do something.

Be brave and stay alone to find who am I is the task I am doing now.

By ignoring voices from others and make decision by myself made me lose some friends, even fight with family.

I don’t want to label myself to be someone to others.

Without label means infinity possibility.

Challenge/a way to create confidence

For the most of the time, we felt threatened by other people.

A beautiful woman, a better position in work, a hot man, a bigger house, a rich life, a beautiful & smart child….ect.

And what happened afterwards, we started to look down to ourselves and convince we are about to lose our happiness, just the time matter.

There is a way to redefine your confidence status which is simple but we always turn that down cause of the fear for failure.

Try to ask yourself for a question:

You always want a better position because you believe it’s a method to somehow make your life better. (of course when your pay is better and everyone starts to look up to you..)

Honestly how many times you turned it down with the thought that I might fail so….nope sorry…I prefer to stay In this comfort environment which keeps me away from the risk of being a loser.

I felt this when I got promotion (which the pay is not more…in fact I have a plenty stuff to do and responsibility to carry on…)

Surely that I know it’s such a great opportunity because it’s something I finally can let my wigs fly out without limitation.

Most importantly, it’s an opportunity which I can concentrate which I had studied for.

I am allowed to make my idea vivid in reality.

I almost gave up, and think to do as fly attendant such job to get away my dream come true moment.

At the end, I took this chance.

And today is my very first day to consult designers.

To focus on my future, and also to continue my project which always points out a special point: to try something new in your life.

and I must confess that I read a book called The Tools which I mentioned on my article motivation/

It says we normally created a comfort zone which it’s a situation we created by our weak mind to escape from all the risks which make us like fool or loser.

A lover, an addicted behavior, a stable life, being lost…ect.

I reviewed my 27 years life, and our of surprise, I found which I am a quitter.

I quite all the time even for what I had desired for so much in the past, but when it came to the point to prove myself…I gave up because I was so afraid that I might fail..and all my efforts which I put out through would be a waste.

That is the main reason which I took my job, although I have to say Fuck its super hard to challenge myself with the third language and I know deeply that I am still lack of experience.

Well, today I had a meeting with one of our fashion designer who had worked for a big brand for so many years.

I am forced to discuss the designs she made, and also to talk to her husband & partner regarding the marketing strategy.

Privacy

nowadays we're living this world which connected by cellphone and computer.
I won't define it's correct or not,  that basically our life depends on, internet. However, I just want to ask myself "are you ready for this kind of things?"

I don't think so.

For example, there is a period(maybe until now) I was addicted to application which I download on my smartphone.

I enjoyed the attention by people who seeked me, who texted me  by application , and  meanwhile I was suffering if I couldn't get what I want right away.

It's hard not to give away this addictions which usaully comes with bad emotions.(you can ask yourself, what is the reaction if someone won't reply you right away,....or you found out that there are less people who pay attention on your world in it)

My new task will be to reduce the dependency of every kind of application on my smartphone and try to focus on believing what I felt. To practice to live without it for a while.

Is that true if someone writes you often, you feel more happy and confident?
well, I did feel this way.

But what if no one writes you, how does that make you feel?

I just want to laugh about it, which I actually build my standard on it.

Feelings can not be evaluated by the quantity of message, email, and connection.

If you feel something, then the worse thing is to seek the clues on technologies by proving it.

I chated with one of my best friend yesterday, and I never understood one thing is how come we dont chat each day but we can still feel so connected when we chat.

He told me: because we're sharing our mind, not by how many times we text, or how long we stay on phone.

Right there, it crossed my mind.
I never doubt about this friendship because I share my mind with him, and of course by the time he shares something back, he shares his mind also to me.

Don't even speak too much or too often to prove that we are really closed,just like family.

It's an issue relates to privacy.
Privacy = Respect
A person who know the importance of privacy definately has the awareness how to respect people.

I have to admint that due to the fact, I didn't know how to protect my privacy that I don't know how to respect people.
And I will make an excuse such as, well...I dont trust you so I have to get into your privacy zone.
Normally it happened in my relationship with exs.

To learn to trust people, I must give away the fake world which internet created.
Happiness and sadness come from our mind, and I should remember after the books I read.
That the true happiness will be steable and will not be affected by anyone, anything outside of your body and mind.

some people hides himself in this fiction world because in there they can easily escape from the reality and be a little relax.
Thats why everyone kept saying, do not believe what's happeneing on the internet, because it's something created by human beings.
I won't be so edgy to judge to believe it or not.

But if you want to have connection with people who lives around you, you might as well try to feel how they treat you in person instead of evaluating it by how much they contact you by technoligy.


I can't wait to starting this task, because no matter what is coming to my life, it can't chanllenge or to be arranged by these application.
The more I tried to seek for clues, the more I stock in this fake world.

Being/ Myself or Ego?

Ok, I think it’s the right time to speak of the main happiness theme which I tried to avoid last week: being myself

I decided to leave to until I am ready to try because I think it would be too fast to mention it.

The reason was because I thought it would be too fast to add, because last week I had something important subjects to practice.

Such as give someone a break: when someone really pissed me off or upset me, I had to use this thought to forgive, turns out I didn’t get so nervous and anxious all the time. Probably due to the fact I took my steps really slow and since I kind of accepted that the world changed so fast that I should be so grateful for what I had seen and had. And if I tried to focus on the present, I still didn’t feel enough time to see the world and find time for myself, I couldn’t take the risk to waste my time in anger and worry for the stuff caused by other people.

Such as being nice to myself : unfortunately expect this blog, I still have two business plan on the road. And since I am addicted to write by hand (which helps me to think towards to professional strategy , idea and business point of view), it went really slowly (after these years in Italy..this is the habit I learned J ) so I didn’t really sleep enough 8 hours a day. On the opposite I slept less and less. (I believed this will upset my mood soon..so tonight I must quite my daily book reading and try not to spend so much time on blogging). However, I tried to give myself a positive angle to think, to live and to laugh.

Eating in healthy way and still force myself at least take a walk daily helps me to have a little bit confidence to my body (seems like my energy comes back a little and less tiring feelings).

Such as trying something new:  So far this is the main key I felt it helps more. I was too afraid to change, not even a street or a food even I knew it would be nasty.

However, I am more than excited to know what I haven’t tried yet and what I was not able to do because I was too scared, and then make my plans even that cost money.

I sort of rebuilt some kind of my confidence, and yes I still act like child screaming for whatever I put into my mouth and whatever interested my vision.

But I felt living, and I felt step by step is another communication to get closer to me.

Such as stop competition: well, as a girl who has a brain works nonstop  that I have to say, it’s so hard not to pop out a word when some kind of sfigati (Italian/means uncool people who thinks they are cool) walked by.

But by trying to observe myself when this idea crossed my mind, I felt great because maybe for the near future, before this idea will pop out, it will be in advance to reduce it.

These practices I am trying will get me into this point of view: be myself politely

I know myself more by getting closer each day, and I would like to practice to bring my character into this project.

I found that I hate to be taken care, maybe sometimes it’s really sweet, but at the end if will make me feel like I a retard without ability to look after myself.

I desire to be a woman who own a career, a strong personality, a life (which it can’t be only includes work and hang out with friends or stay home watching movies) and the ability to take care of others.

I want to always keep the childlike personality (which makes me scream and yell whenever I felt excited) , not because I wanted to be cute, its cause it always brings me unexpected taste and vision. Or I should say no matter its good or bad, I can’t and I don’t want to change.

Those are the goals for now I want to practice and achieve.

For example, I found to those who are closer to me, it’s so hard to tell them that I really never like negative energy around when  I want to be alone.

It sucks and it will affect me especially when I have to be there for the whole time.

Everything I said might become a weapon to hurt their feelings or everything I might react.

I don’t want to make myself now look like I am showing off, because I knew that before I noticed, I was really good to share my negative energy by trading the positive ones from others.

But I did anyway today, I clearly told my friend: hey it’s not my fault that you decided to give up. If it’s your own decision, feel good about it. Do not try to make me feel awful just because I am able to do things you want to do.

I won’t feel a sense of guilt; instead I just want to run faster and farther.

Familiar to what happened to me few months ago, and I can feel it right on me. That sucks.

I know my reply might do some harm to my friendship with this friend, but I need to be myself in this occasion.

Make myself happy is the original idea of the project, and surly it’s not to make myself to be a saint.

It’s quite difficult to being polite which I tried, but at least for the first time I am not afraid to say what’s in my mind to this shy friend.

Today is a beginning, to be continued by more examples how to make people happy with politeness when being she or he?

Good night everyone whoever reads my blog.