From Taiwan to Italy

This week has been difficult for me, due to few days ago I had another heart attack, and since I lived by my own now, at that moment all I could think about is

If something really happened, I’ll never able to say good bye to those I love.

It happened very late, around 1.30 in the morning.

I tried to ask for help; unfortunately not everyone was available since its sleeping time.

The whole process was longer than ages, every parts of me were tumbling, and I could feel my heart could stop in any minute.

After I passed through, I started to cry out loud until morning.

I was angry how come no one hears my calls, my messages.

And I was mad of myself how come I put myself in this situation by leaving home, by leaving share flat, by being this lonely.

 

The rest of the day, I had been thinking these questions and let my emotion took me up and down.

Then at some certain point, I stopped.

 

It took few days to recollect all the thoughts and to write it down my conclusion.

 

No one is responsible for my life, and no one has the responsibility to save me when I am in danger like this.

Even the ones who loved me, who loves me or who will love me, non of them supposed to help me at that point of view.

And I have no right to call those I had asked for help “Cold Blood” because they hadn’t replied me on time.

I am here with the pain from heart attack because I didn’t take a good care of myself, I am alone because I had decided to move out from share flat, I am not familiar with ambulance, hospital information because I am in a foreign country and which I had decided also that to come here by myself for fulfilling my dreams.

There must be a price which I have to pay for having this kind of life, which the life everybody sees so amazing and exciting.

 

There is no one I can blame to even I experienced a horrible night by my own.

 

And from this point of view, I started to review my current year which I had suffered from some personal issues.

It’s been four years which I had lived in Milan, and I still can’t give up the thought that I am a foreigner.

Always wish someone to help, someone to ask, someone to accompany, someone to comfort me, someone to encourage me.

However, it’s a mistake.

In here, life will never be as easy (at least not now) as in my hometown.

Always something reminds me that I am not good enough> language problems, immigrant’s policy problems, races problems, financial problems, culture problems…everything

Keeps reminding me and testing my edge.

I just have to fight for what I need and what I want to keep my journey here.

But I made these problems happen by my own decisions, because no one forced me to stay here.

If I want to continue, then the first thing now is to give up myself pity thoughts and front it as a half Italian.

No more expectation that someone will save me from bad situations, and no more accuses for those I wish they can help but for some reasons, they can’t help on time.

I have already no reason to claim myself as a new bird in this country.

Because I decided to and I had to realize that I am responsible for what might happen to me.

It’s not fair, indeed.

To expect someone who only has four years experience in a foreign country can adjust well her life.

But no matter how hard it will be, at the end if I really can’t take it anymore, I can always head back to home.

I am here because I want to.

Just face it and I will know when this life will against to my limit.

Until then, life must go on.