week conclusion to Happy Project

Today is quite calm except I can’t help feeling sorry for this news.

I overheard that one of my friend who came to Italy with me for the first beginning now is suffering from this serious mental problems.

This upset me a lot, because for some reason, we didn’t get along very well at the end.

Then I thought…maybe in some certain point of view, we are all ill in different way.

Is it because we are fighting for our life in a different country?

After a couple of days of reviewing my life, I have a conclusion.

The impact of Italian culture (of should I say western culture) reverse my world and my mind.

I always thought after four years living, studying, working, dating in Milan might as well train me to realize this culture.

I was wrong; no one can see this coming.

When I was little, no one saw that Chinese will be such a great power as now.

In Asia, everything includes a white skin person who seems like better, smarter, and richer.

A movie, a commercial advertisement, a song by western people seems to be better.

After some years of brain wash, we all have the same goal which is no matter what you have to study, if you can study abroad will make you differently.

So, carrying out with dreams, expectation and the idea I will become better, I came to Milan.

I never thought it could change me so much and I never thought I could be as negative as a person who loses the entire confidence.

Whenever who is looking at me on the street, I felt so uncomfortable.

Especially with my ex, I still clearly remembered, how shame I felt because seems like everyone is making fun of me.

I felt so bad that I was seen as a second race here. And no matter how much I improve myself, it will never change the fact that I have an Asian face.

Everything became a motivation which can easily lower my dignity.

It’s so easy for me to get hurt and of course I cry all the time because that is the only way I think I can release myself.

I see everyone as enemy because I know from their eyes, that I am not enough to be respected.

By evaluating feelings from everyone who was around me to define how great I was.

I remembered this really clearly as if it happened yesterday. One day one of my friends came to me and told me she finally broke up with this Italian guy who she had dated for a year.

She said: He told me he couldn’t bear to imagine introducing me to his friends and also linking me into a relationship on facebook just because I am Asian.

It was too sad to say anything in her face but afterwards, I cried for whole night for this story.

Turns out this awful thought followed me everywhere in this country until I came back a week ago.

I wrote on my instagram one day right after I read an article from Osho, he said: you have to love yourself and then you will be able to love others.

What does he mean to love myself?

Yap, I cried out loud in the river next to my hometown. I felt sorry that I couldn’t be able to love myself more.

I kept thinking everything is ok. I had a wonderful bf, I had a job with steady income and I can prove I am someone special to deserve all of this..it will be wonderful.

I took everything for granted and started to act really crazy because I felt everyone intended to make myself feel shame.

Now I realized it’s my own projection from my interior mind to the whole world.

Have you ever heard a theory? That if you kept thinking it, and then it will end like what you think.

The world became so ugly because I keep zooming the bad sides of this country.

Ever since I started with my happiness project, each day I felt that I am actually living.

People from street, on the metro, who looked at me nonstop, my manager, clients, and even people who I normally won’t bother to say hello , they became nicer and polite.

I didn’t try to brain wash myself again by convincing myself that the world is beautiful.

Just follow my own standard and try to cheer myself up by trying something new.

A new street, a new habit, a new food, a new book whatever is new which I was too afraid to try.

I ate alone , I tried to accept that I couldn’t be perfect for anyone, I found my emotion problems without judging it, I tried to get along with myself without thinking I am such lonely person in Milan…ect.

These things are daily but it worked anyway. The last week I slept well and eat well because even I felt I wasn’t able to sleep, I wrote and I read and kept thinking how wonderful I will sleep the next night because my body will be so tired.

Of course sometimes I felt my emotion coming back again. But I learned how to let go.

There are so many things we can’t control in our life, and if I can’t let go ..if feels like a meat getting row in your hand , and you kept holding it without even try to look that there are still fruit in front of you.

A person who has being will never feels that I must have something in his/her life.

Life is a game and if you can’t play well that means you are a loser.

Pay attention, play doesn’t require negative emotions. You play because you want to have fun, not because you want to win or being a loser at the end.

If you are happy during the progress, even at the end you lose or you win is not so important right?

I felt my life in Italy is just a beginning which makes me feel so many opportunities.

Still some O.P called me Chinese on the street, or flirting me by the worse ever sentences.

I don’t care anymore.

Caring this bullshit makes me upset..but honestly who wants to live in bad mood world every day.

Now I understood the sentence from the book The Power of Now……Once you found the power inside, peace, joy and health will come along.

I know exactly life won’t be easy to be played by me; I might never have what I want.

But I know no matter what I have a best partner, best lover and best family ever..That will be I.

Cheers for happiness project brought something different to me the first week in progress.

The experiences I had from last week gave me the courage to tell my manager in person today, I will not go to another company with you because I know the company will be successful even without me.

Staying might be a worse choice because I may not be able to take full responsibility. But when I looked back to my four years stay in Milan, my life was not easy and I always thought that I was forced to suffer and struggle.

However, now I was thankful for whatever happened to me because it made me strong.

So I take my chance to take this struggle

 I took my path even it will be the hardest one to continue my journey in Milan, even I will have to work alone and without personal life, but I am willing to fight at least one time for something might be built by me.

Happy Project in Progress still and I am more than excited to see what will happen to me.