Weakness

To my being,

You spent the whole day busy packing and working which proved that you are trying to get away from some thoughts.By the summer is approaching, each year you became agitated, why?

By seeing everyone on the street, especially those couples dragging their luggage to take train, take airplanes. It would get you upset so easily.

You blamed to the one that how come he never chose you as a trip mate, why?

Because you're too proud to admit, that you wanted so much to take a trip in summer.

For you, that is the most romantic thing ever to drag your little luggage to go somewhere which for the whole year you was dreaming for.

You're too afraid to ask hey can we arrange a trip and see the expression on his face?

Too afraid to admit that all your friends are heading home, you will become more lonely than ever.

To admit that you want to travel the world also, to see the different cities or countries.

Too afraid to admit actually you don't have that many friends to be crazy with you, hang out or even travel to those places which you want to go so badly.

Too afraid to admit that you scare like hell to travel alone even now.

Before you came to Italy, you always on the phone to arrange wherever you wanted to go.

Friends, family, or lover they were on your call.

Because you felt comfortable to tell them, come on, please.....I wanted to go so badly.

However, here, you couldn't be so comfortable to ask, because everyone has their schedule.

Now you start to make money, not that much, but finally you can start to travel different cities to see what you desire to......you cant find nobody.

This is your deepest fear.

You never wanted to admit that as a only child how lonely is.

whenever you wanted to share something, you cant find nobody.

Whenever you are scared, you have to always pretend to be strong, because that is the only way to make parents happy and proud.

Just for once you wanted to be weak, but everyone told you that you have to be strong cause that is the way you are.

They never knew you are so tired to be always perfect, smart, and strong.

You never knew why people likes you, so you just have to keep pretending that you are not tired of this masks.

just like when you saw ur ex brought gril home,you were so sad and hurt,but still you want to make a sign that seems like you dont care.you thought that can protect you being more hurt, but the truth is you cant help crying and asking yourself why.

one of your weakness is broken, and you did find out yourself..so what would you like to do now?

The situation is still the same before you cried.

To my ego,

I decided to travel alone this summer. 

Just me, alone.

Maybe I will cry for the whole time in my trip , but at least I take my first step to accept the fact I was born alone and maybe I will be like this for the rest of my life.

It"s better get used to while I am still young, at least I can travel with my tears instead of staying in Milan and wait for someone to save me in the future.

You are right about all the points.even the one about my ex. I wanted an explaination,but I know its not my business anymore.But I did accept it,becuase I know I am not crazy.I just have to let go becuase its done its done. nothing can change the fact that we are no longer together.So I decided to face the fact I am hurt but no matter how hurt,I wont pretend again that I am fine. Now since I know what is going on in my mind, I am going to put you down first.

Leave my brain more space to fill in some travel plans and just go for it without more advance ideas.

I want to face my fear by moving by myself, traveling by myself, sharing with myself.

Then , complete myself day by day and look forward to meeting another complete person.

I am sure I will fall in love again, and I am sure by that time,even being alone wont be a sad thing.

Yes I cried, but now I felt better.